5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (Oct 13)
Lisps, Leavers & Lunatics.
At Hell In A Cell, in a sort of insane development too mundane to warrant a list entry of its own, WWE Champion Jinder Mahal defeated Shinsuke Nakamura cleanly. The idea, if you can parse any logic from it, was to get the Khallas over as a devastating, un-kickout-able move - which doesn’t work because Mahal barely knows how to deliver it.
What’s crazier is that Mahal didn’t appear on the subsequent SmackDown - not even in a two minute backstage segment to brag about his win. The writing staff were not able to conceive of something so simple as explaining that Jinder had flown to India to celebrate with people more deserving of his superstar presence. The WWE Champion did not appear on his brand this week, and nobody cared. It’s not as if he was needed - as far as SmackDown in 2017 goes, it was actually a superior show because of it - but the oversight is maddening for those silly sods who give an actual f*ck about logic and continuity. Things of that nature, to quote the out-of-touch old man who unleashed this evil upon the world. McMahon is so out of touch that Mahal was instead chosen for the dark match slot in order to convince fans to stick around for 205 Live. The same guy responsible for the empty arenas captured of late.
Were those Vince-is-going-blind rumours in 2015 true after all? Is McMahon now selecting his champions through the process of touch, with Jinder’s vascularity acting as a fortunate sort of braille?
It’s time for Road Dogg to to fulfil his destiny and hit the f*cking thing. Bray Wyatt, too, on this week’s evidence…
5. Thithter Abigail
“It was me, Bálor - it was all along!”
Many fans expected to see the debut of Bra Wyatt on this week’s RAW - The Eater of Worlds mocked up in drag. This being a Bray Wyatt storyline, we were actually treated to something worse. How is that even possible? Does…does Bray Wyatt have actual magic powers? The power to pull sh*t out of a hat? That might explain the taste in our mouths, at least.
Sister Abigail is Bray Wyatt with a veil and mascara. For that we should be grateful. It could have been much, much worse. Actually, it was much, much worse - for Wyatt soon spoke with the pitch-shifted voice of a chipmunk. They could not have contrived to make this more laughable - unless, of course, they were actively trying to write comedy. That’s why Titus O’Neil played a banjo terribly on the same night. Get it? Because Elias plays a guitar!
Wyatt spoke in his usual Wyatt voice man haha - with only one unintentionally hilarious exception. Abigail, who didn’t struggle with the affliction elsewhere, adopted a lisp upon uttering the words “Irish mythology books” - like the Planetarium guy from South Park, only not funny on purpose.