X-Men: 5 Best And 5 Worst Writers

1. Chuck Austen

austen While Morrison was working over on New X-Men, Marvel hired another writer to take over Uncanny X-Men after the departure of Joe Casey. That was Chuck Austen. At first, Austen€™s run was met with a positive response by fans. He focused on a small team of Archangel, Iceman, Nightcrawler, Wolverine and new character Stacy X. He reformed the Juggernaut, bringing Professor X€™s step-brother and frequent X-Men enemy onto the team. And Alpha Flight€™s Northstar, who is gay, also joined. Did I mention he€™s gay? Because that€™s apparently his most important character trait. But despite a decent opening arc, things quickly went downhill. The initial cast grew a lot larger when Austen brought back Havok, who€™d bee in an alternate dimension and was in a coma for a while, and being watched over a creepy nurse named Annie (who despite her bizarre Florence Nightingale thing, was invited to join the school€™s staff). He also brought in Polaris, Havok€™s psychotic ex-girlfriend who had never been psychotic before. And Husk from Generation X, who went from being a strong, intelligent character to an X-Men groupie who begins a relationship with the much-older Archangel. They even have mid-air sex. In front of her mother. I wish that were a joke. And Jubilee joins the team, but she never does anything more than stand in the background and marvel at the size of Nightcrawler€™s penis. Again, I wish that were a joke. Characters were written terribly. In Chuck Austen€™s world, women are all sex-crazed nymphomaniacs. They jump into the sack for the smallest of reasons. Everyone€™s always sniping at each other for absolutely no good reason. Iceman went from being the team comedian to consummate whiner. And the stories€oh benevolent spirit of Dave Cockrum, patron saint of X-fans, give me strength€ First we€™ve got the Church of Humanity and their plan to destroy the Catholic church with Nightcrawler as the pope and exploding communion wafers. We also got Nightcrawler€™s origin. Apparently, he€™s the son of Azazel, who also happens to be Satan€or something. Azazel is trapped in another dimension and he needs his children (who can all teleport) to open a portal to free him from the dimension he€™s trapped in. The very same dimension he leaves to father these children. Does your head hurt yet? Because it€™s going to get worse. After Morrison€™s departure, the retcon I mentioned about Xorn and Magneto was handled by Austen. He revealed that Magneto was not Xorn, but rather Xorn was Xorn, and somehow could make himself look like Magneto. You see, Xorn posed as Magneto, posing as Xorn, because€evil? And the X-Men found out about this thanks to a convenient explanation from Xorn€™s twin brother. Who also has the same powers. And Xorn II knew about this because€twins? I don€™t even freaking know any more. There are no words to describe how horrible Chuck Austen€™s run on the X-Men was. I€™d say this is what you€™d expect from a brain-damaged ten-year-old fanfic writer, but that would be an insult to brain-damaged ten-year-old fanfic writers. It€™s just€wow. You sit there reading this, and you wonder just what sort of blackmail material Austen had on his editors. Oh, and by the way, Northstar is gay. Just in case you forgot.

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Percival Constantine is the author of several novels and short stories, including the Vanguard superhero series, and regularly writes and comments on movies, comics, and other pop culture. More information can be found at his website, PercivalConstantine.com

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