Lets say theres a race of aliens looking for a new place to live, a new house, and theyve come across Earth. Judging by the popular culture, the population clearly isnt that advanced, so staging a takeover shouldnt be much of a problem, but whats the best way to go about it? According to the movies, the best method bar none involves sending their least competent delegation to some backwater in an effort to stage a back door invasion. Today Peoria, Illinois, tomorrow the world... that kind of thing. Needless to say, most of these invasions fail, but thats due more to poor planning than the calibre of those who are sworn to protect Earth. From guys in garish costumes to 4 foot tall talking ducks, these people wouldnt stand a chance against a properly organized enemy. Its only fitting that Earths last line of defence against strange invaders should be some equally inept and bizarre individuals, but did their banter have to be so forced and unfunny? Couldnt they bring in William Goldman just to punch up the dialogue? (Even Joe Eszterhas would do). Alas, the fate of mankind rests not on the brave, but on those the producers were willing to pay for, so its 90 minutes of rubber monsters versus B-grade beefcakes. Let battle commence.
Ian Watson is the author of 'Midnight Movie Madness', a 600+ page guide to "bad" movies from 'Reefer Madness' to 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.'
