Really, editors of WhatCulture.com Really?
“10 Ways To Make Star Trek V Not Suck”? you have assigned me with today. Ten! You understand this means watching Star Trek V again, right? For reasons other than making fun of it?
I’ve enjoyed my time writing for WhatCulture! But I’m concerned that, by publishing this article and encouraging anyone to voluntarily watch Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, we are in violation of some international human rights treaty. (I know the Geneva Convention specifically prohibits soldiers from showing odd-numbered Star Trek movies to prisoners of war. Hearings are currently taking place to see if Star Trek: Nemesis falls under the same statutes.)
In the interest of safety and diplomatic relations, I’ve volunteered for this assignment so no one else has to jump on this cinematic grenade. Coming up with ten – ten! – justifications for polishing this turd will be a feat of stamina, patience, and ingenuity. If my brain doesn’t go all Scanners by the end of this, it will be a miracle. A documentary crew could make a reasonably good film about the dark journey I’m about to embark on, à la Hearts Of Darkness. If you click on the last bullet point and the header photo is simply me covered in my own filth, with the only text on the page being “the horror… the horror…”, you’ll know I failed.
Follow me, if you dare, into the toupee glue-addled mind of William Shatner as we examine his only feature directorial effort. We will focus exclusively on the story and characters, on making Star Trek V into a story worth telling. So let’s get this over with, shall we?
This article was first posted on November 3, 2013