Despite some horrendous reviews for Sony’s Battle: Los Angeles, the alien invasion ‘video game you can’t play disguised as a film’ that’s released today, it’s still expected to enjoy a huge opening weekend and indeed a majority 60% of OWF readers are still planning to throwaway their money on what the critics are calling ‘cynical’, ‘money-grabbing’ and plain ‘stupid’ over the next couple of days.
This is the movie that declared a reviewer for The Playlist to cite that ‘film is dead!’ but still Joe Popcorn’s will turn up in their droves. But here’s our guide to 17 things the smart minded of you could do instead this weekend…
1. Start your own personal war with Los Angeles.
It’s a guaranteed defeat, but even if the punishment is death, a stay in Guantanamo or even worse, a conversation with an LA fitness freak, it will be less painful than actually watching the film.
2. Hire a professional plumber to oversee you install your own bathroom.
Constant criticism for their extortionate weekend rates, absolutely no assistance and the guaranteed ‘plumbers crack’. Fingers crossed.
3. Make a shot by shot remake of Aaron Eckart’s performance as Harvey Dent/ Two Face in The Dark Knight.
Adopt a Christian Bale method acting approach and use real acid to achieve the Two Face aesthetic.
4. Watch an Uwe Bowl marathon.
You could probably buy everything he’s ever done in a bargain bin for less than the price of a ticket.
5. Switch Lives with Osama Bin Laden and go through American Customs.
If you prescribe to the belief that it’s better to be remembered badly than forgotten then this should be a defining weekend.
6. Go through puberty again.
Acne, insecurity, awkwardness, 24/7 horniness – who wouldn’t relish the chance reliving that for a weekend?
7. Be Nic Clegg.
You’ll get to know the PM up close and personal. Bring a knee cushion.
8. Meet with an ex who is happily in love with someone new and become SUPER
You’ll get to see how truly happy they are now with this richer, fitter, taller and more attractive partner and hopefully hear how the new guy/ girl pleases them in ways you never could. Then you can become a superhero to win her back.
9. Interview Spike Lee.
No matter what you say he’s going to greet you and your questions with the same air of disgust as if you were wearing a white mask and brandishing a torch and pitchfork.
10. Buy and watch every episode of Two and a Half Men.
Any respect you may have developed for Charlie Sheen over the past few weeks will quickly disappear as with every passing minute you question how on Earth he earned $1.2 million an episode, and feel yourself slowly slip into a state of insanity matching Sheen’s own. #Not winning!
11. Write a romantic comedy that ends with a mad dash to an airport and the mismatched lovers realising they’re actually meant to be together forever.
It’s certain to get made and what’s more will definitely make a lot of money. Plus you’ll prove to everyone just how original and innovative you are.
12. Watch a friend play Championship manager.
Preferably they’ll speak through every little detail of their play, becoming further engrossed in the deluded world that they would be the GREATEST manager of all time if somebody just gave them a chance.
13. Give Up Breathing.
It’s the New Year’s Resolution you gave up after 40 seconds – 11 seconds better than last year – but with Lent just starting there’s never going to be a better time than to show your resolve and give it another crack.
14. Watch that Love Film disc that you’ve had for 11 months and they’re actually harassing you to send it back.
A 4-hour silent movie from Communist Russia seemed like a good idea at the time; when better than this weekend?
15. Enter into a ‘no strings attached relationship with a girl you really love.
With the added intimacy sex brings you’ll fall deeper in love, so when on Monday morning they smile and say ‘see ya whenever’, suicide will be a prerequisite.
16. Watch Cloverfield, Monsters or REC.
It’s basically ripping them off anyway. And obviously it’s not in their league.
17. Visit Obsessed with Film and NOT read a review ahead of the release of Battlefield L.A.
Except ours, the first movie we have PAID to see this year to review. Look for it later.