"Spiderman" Clips the Competition

(originally published on The Rec ) The ol' summer movie machine revs into high gear about two months too soon, as three exhaustive clips from the eagerly (by some) third "Spiderman" movie blast online. Ugh. It may be heresy to disagree with Mr. Holmes here on Obsessed With Film, but I must admit that the "Spiderman" films have left me strangely cold and empty. Sure, I can see that they are trying to tell a multi-layered hero story with lots of action and special effects. Several things have just troubled me ... and here they are: 1. Kirsten Dunst. Her pasty white skin and snaggle teeth cannot distract from her truly awful performance as Mary Jane. Her character barely has one dimension, and that's desperation. She is constantly begging for reassurance of Peter's love, or sulking when she does not receive it. Meanwhile, Dunst plays these limited emotions as if she were a hideous mannequin, her glassy, unblinking eyes forever staring at Peter. UGH. 2. Tobey Maguire. He looks like a frog. His voice sounds like a fourteen year old going through the change. Every "dramatic" scene makes me want to laugh, because Maguire looks like he is trying to stifle a fart. This especially shines through during the "romantic" interludes (i.e. when Dunst is trying to hypnotize him with her death stare), when Maguire looks like he just shit himself and is unsure if he should say "cut." Peter Parker in the comics was always something of a nerd ... but did he have to be quite THAT backwards?? 3. The special effects. Granted, the films contain a lot of effects, and not every one can be perfect. But shouldn't they at least get Spiderman right?? He flings around the city like some sort of rubber puppet, the camera whizzing around and around until the audience is ready to vomit/pass out/ask for a map. The special effects were almost passable for the first installment, but the second one went way overboard. Plasticky CGI Doc Octopus throwing CGI manhole covers at a CGI Spiderman does not enthrall the way it does as I describe it in this sentence. Some shots (Doc Ock climbing up the side of a building) probably looked dumb in the pre-production process; they looked fucking stupid in the theater for nine damn dollars a ticket. 4. The Villains. Green Goblin? Dumb. Doc Ock? Ten shades of dumb. Oh, and boring. And overwrought, too. Sandman seems like he has some promise, but we are now into the THIRD film!!!! Where are great villains like Joker, Riddler, and Penguin? Oh yeah - in a better franchise. 5. Kirsten Dunst. Yeah, I mention her twice. Those teeth make me want to fucking puke. The films have two saving graces: 1. Director Sam Raimi. He can handle frenetic action. I have been a fan of his since "Evil Dead," and it's clear that the guy has a keen eye for action choreography. That's why it's such a bummer to watch him overuse CGI to the point of ludicrousness. 2. Bruce Campbell. The guy absolutely gets better and better. Totally unique in entertainment, and I love the guy. Anyway, the film comes out in sixty or so days to take your money. But possibly not mine.