WARNING: The following post contains angry, politically incorrect, and often drunk celebrities…and A LOT of swearing!
With the news that Community show runner Dan Harmon has made steps to bury the hatchet with funnyman Chevy Chase, the case of the celebrity rant has become part of the cultural forum yet again. Following a recent spat with his boss, Chase left a “drunken” voicemail to let Harmon – in no uncertain terms – what he thinks of him. Harmon then played the recording to a select audience, one thing led to another, and now its all over the web.
The Celebrity meltdown has always be the source of amusement and humor. Not because its fun to laugh at other’s misfortune – which it isn’t. But rather because people losing it and unleashing a tirade on tape, is always a refreshing display. Celebs are always so worried about their ‘image’ that we very rarely get to see genuine human emotions. Who doesn’t want to flip their boss the bird? Who hasn’t gone off at a family member? Who is able to remain civil to an ex-partner? We all go through these things, and none more so than the rich and famous. So when someone thinks to press record, and include us all in the moment, i’d be lying if i said i’m not grateful.
Come with me on a journey through some of fame’s best and brightest examples of public freak outs. Part one is a collection of the modern flip-out. These are the most recent rants to date. I will of course be missing some, but these are my personal faves. I have tried to detail the context of each rant as best as i can, and included the recording and a transcript where possible. That way, you get to enjoy every single word uttered.
A big thank you to all the superstars who have made this post possible. You are but flesh and blood.
Chevy Chase vs Dan Harmon
The Set-Up: After a series of last minute re-writes, half finished scripts and displays of in-fighting, Chevy Chase finally walked off set mid-way through filming the season finale. At an after party, Harmon encouraged attendees to chant something along the lines of “F**k you, Chevy”, in front of the American icon and his family. Later that night, Chase left Harmon a voicemail…
Transcript: (thanks to nowpublic.com)
“I hope you [???] medicine, you fat fuck. You didn’t give us a script to begin with, so nobody knew what the fuck was going on during the week. Second of all, your goddamn bad writing, shit stinko fuck, was an abomination; and your writing is getting worse, so suck my cock. I don’t get talked to like that by anybody certainly not in front of my wife and daughter, you goddamn asshole; alcoholic, fat shit.
You’re gonna live to be about 57, if you’re lucky, the way you eat. I have nothing to say to you except you can suck my cock. Is that clear?
And I hope you can play that for everybody around you who agrees with you that [???] you should say “fuck you” in front of all of those people, to me and my family. You think that’s the right way to behave?”
Alec Baldwin vs Ireland (his 11-year-old daughter)
The Set-Up: Alec gets to see his daughter on set occasions. The product of divorce, this situation is clearly a mirror of frustrated fathers the world over. I personally don’t have a young daughter who i never see. But i can imagine that if that little piggy doesn’t go wee,wee,wee,wee,wee all the way to my home, every second weekend…id be pissed! Not Alec Baldwin pissed – that is a different league of angry.
Transcript: (thanks to nationalledger.com)
“Hey, I want to tell you something, OK? And I want to leave a message for you right now. ‘Cause again, it’s 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday, and once again I’ve made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I’m doing and I go and I make that phone call. At 11 o’clock in the morning in New York and if you don’t pick up the phone at 10 o’clock at night. And you don’t even have the expletive phone turned on. I want you to know something, OK? I’m tired of playing this game with you. I’m leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone. And when I come out there next week, I’m going to fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I’m going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you’ve done this to me again. You’ve made me feel like s — and you’ve made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this expletive phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I am going to get on a plane and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you. Do you understand me? I’m going to really make sure you get it. Then I’m going to get on a plane and I’m going to turn around and come home. So you’d better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I’m going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?”
Bog The Bounty Hunter vs Tucker Chapman & His Mexican (or “whatever”) Girlfriend
The Set-Up: Basically, ”Dog” wants his son to split with his missus. The dark skinned lady in question reported the bounty hunter to The National Enquirer after hearing the n’word bounded about by the big man. Clearly, as the recording shows, ”Dog” would never use that sort of language.
Transcript: (thanks to sandrarosenews.blogspot.co.uk)
“Duane “Dog” Chapman: I don’t care if she’s a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It’s not because she’s black, it’s because we use the word ni**er sometimes here. I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for for 30 years because some fucking ni**er heard us say ni**er and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine. Our career is over! I’m not taking that chance at all! Never in life! Never! Never! If Lyssa [Dog's daughter] was dating a ni**er, we would all say ‘fuck you!’ And you know that. If Lyssa brought a black guy home ya da da… it’s not that they’re black, it’s none of that. It’s that we use the word ni**er. We don’t mean you fucking scum ni**er without a soul. We don’t mean that shit. But America would think we mean that. And we’re not taking a chance on losing everything we got over a racial slur because our son goes with a girl like that. I can’t do that Tucker. You can’t expect Gary, Bonnie, Cecily, all them young kids to [garbled] because ‘I’m in love for 7 months’ – fuck that! So, I’ll help you get another job but you can not work here unless you break up with her and she’s out of your life. I can’t handle that shit. I got ‘em in the parking lot trying to record us. I got that girl saying she’s gonna wear a recorder…
Tucker Chapman: I don’t even know what to say.”
Charlie Sheen vs Chuck Lorre & Coherent Thought
The Set-Up: High on pretty much everything, including the success of sit-com ‘Two and a half Men”, Sheen gradually works his way to an obscene wadge packet. Heads and egos start to collide between star and his boss Chuch Lorre, which eventually come to a head with Sheen walking out. As with all rational thinkers, Sheen takes to the airwaves with his thoughts on Lorre…and trolls, pee and of course, winning.
Transcript: (thanks to sostadiumstatus.blogspot.com)
It would be foolish to try and write down everything Sheen says (our puny no-Sheen mind would explode from the awesomeness). So here is an overview.
On his sobriety:
“Here’s your pee test. Next one goes in your mouth.”
On his three girlfriends (we assume):
“The goddesses. I don’t believe the term is good enough. But when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available… What we all have is a marriage of the heart.”
On who’s holding him back:
“I’m dealing with fools and trolls.. I don’t have time for their judgment and stupidity. You know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and say ‘I can’t process it.’ Well no, you never will. Just sit back and enjoy the show.”
On why he’s better than the average bear:
“I didn’t care about that vanity card. That’s one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade. If I bring up these turds, these little homunculese (?) losers, there’s no reason to then bring them back into the fold. Because I have real fame and they have nothing.”
On his beef with “Two and a Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre:
“I’m tired of being told you can’t talk about that. Bull [expletive]. It’s nothing this side of deplorable that Chaim Levine — yeah that’s his real name mistook this rock star for his exit strategy. I embarrassed him in front of his children by healing at a pace that his brain can’t process. Last time I checked, Chaim, I’ve spent the last decade turning your tin cans into gold. And this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he’s above the law. You’ve been warned, dude, bring it.”
On his self-confidence:
“I got magic. I got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
On his latest tattoo:
“Getting a tattoo during the death from above scene [in 'Apocalypse Now']. It’s a banner from the death card that Kilgore is throwing on his victims. But also on it is the apple from ‘The Giving Tree.’ There’s my life. Deal with it. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye!”
On the prospect of a “Major League 3″:
“I agreed to do it. There’s just one detail they need to work out. If I’m in it it’s a smash. If I’m not, it’s a turd that opens on a tug boat.”
David O’ Russell vs Lily Tomlin
The Set-Up: One of Hollywood’s greatest treasures get a full on bollocking by one of cinema’s strongest visionaries. Not quite giving her director what he wants, Tomlin soon feels the tornado of terror that is O’ Russell. Some bright spark left the camera rolling, and we get the rarest of glimpse into the aesthetics of a full blown film set domestic. Priceless.
Tomlin: (mid sentence) photos of yourself….(huffs) see its harder actually to pick it off the damn desk.
Hoffman: (inaudible) and reset it.
O’Russell: You can put the fucking thing down. You can put the folder down for a second. You can use both hands.
Tomlin: Yeah, and take your legs off the desk, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
O’ Russell: (inaudible)
Tomlin: (huffs) ok for Christ’s sake. Let’s just take it one fucking line at a time. Instead of changing everything as we, it’s very difficult to create what you are even going to do when its a constant barrage of – change this, change this, do this, do this, no wait wait, do it a different way, do it a different way. Don’t get me started. Ok, I’m just saying, you know let’s just, it’s impossible. One actor is doing one thing, one actor is doing another, and….I’m not as brilliant as you, I can’t keep up with…
O’Russell: No, but we are being very patient with you.
Tomlin: We are being very efficient?
O’Russell: Being patient with you. So you can try…
Crew Member: Let’s rehearse, please.
Tomlin: You’re being impatient!
O’Russell: No, I said patient.
Crew Member: Let’s rehearse.
Tomlin: I couldn’t understand you. And it’s not the first time.
O’Russell: Fuck you! I’m just trying to fucking help you. Do you understand me!?
Tomlin: No, no, i…
O’Russell: I’m just being a fucking collaborator here. I’m just trying to help you figure out your fucking (O’Russell throws papers and stuff across the room). Hey bitch. I am not here to being fucking yelled at. I’ve worked on this fucking thing for three fucking years. And not to have some fucking cunt (O’Russell kicks some folders) yell at me or the fucking crew, whilst im trying to help you bitch! Figure it out yourself!
Tomlin: Well I am figuring it out.
O’Russell: Yeah! Fuck yourself!
Tomlin: Good, why don’t you fuck your whole movie. Why don’t you fuck your whole movie, cos that’s what you are doing. (she dodges something thrown by O’Russell) We better get some insurance against the director.
O’Russell: (inaudible) fucking (inaudible) show. (inaudible) fucking. (inaudible) grown up. (O’Russell re-enters the room from another door…like something out of Scooby-Doo) You’re a fucking grown up! Act like a grown up, not a baby. You’re a fucking grown up, I’m here to help you. That’s all I was trying to do, was help you figure…
Tomlin and O’Russell overlap each other’s speech
O’Russell: You can talk to me. Was I yelling? Do I mfugm fucking yelling at you before now!? No! I never fucking yelled at you, you fucking whore!
Tomlin: You set the yelling standard for the whole set.
Christian Bale vs Shane Hurlbut
The Set-Up: Sometime during the filming of Terminator: Salvation, Director of Photography distracts actor Christian Bale during the filming of an “intense” scene. Among the cast a crew present is Associate Producer Bruce Franklin and the film’s director McG. What follows is a verbal bashing of epic proportions. Let’s just say, never change a light bulb near Batman.
Transcript: (thanks to theoriginalunoriginal.com)
Christian Bale: KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!
Shane Hurlbut: Christian, Christian –
Bale: I want you off the fucking set you prick!
Shane: Christian, I’m sorry.
Bale: No, don’t just be sorry, think for one fucking second. What the FUCK are you DOING ? Are you professional or not?
Shane: Yes I am.
Bale: Do I fucking walk around and rip down –
Bruce Franklin: Christian, Christian –
Bale: No, shut the fuck up Bruce! Do I want – no! No! Don’t shut me up.
Franklin: I’m not shutting you up.
Bale: Am I going to walk around and rip your fucking lights down, in the middle of a scene? Then why the fuck are you walking right through? Ah da da dah, like this in the background. What the fuck is it with you? What don’t you fucking understand?
Bale: You got any fucking idea about, hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the fucking scene? Give me a fucking answer! What don’t you get about it?
Shane: I was looking at the light.
Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?
Bale: Fuck-sake man, you’re amateur. McG, you got fucking something to say to this prick?
McG: I didn’t see it happen.
Bale: Well, somebody should be fucking watching and keeping an eye on him.
McG: Fair enough.
Bale: It’s the second time that he doesn’t give a FUCK about what is going on in front of the camera, alright? I’m trying to fucking do a scene here, and I am going “Why the fuck is Shane walking in there? What is he doing there?” Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you’re doing that?
Shane: I absolutely apologize. I’m sorry, I did not mean anything by it.
Bale: Stay off the fucking set man. For fuck-sake. Alright, let’s go again.
McG: Let’s just take a minute.
Bale: Let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again. And have YOU fucking walking in! Can I have Tom put this on please.
Franklin: Can I have Tom in wardrobe please? Can I have Tom in wardrobe?
Bale: You’re unbelievable, you’re un-fucking-believable. Number of times you’re strolling-a-fucking around in the background. I’ve never had a DP behave like this. Ehhh…you don’t fucking understand what it’s like working with actors, that’s what that is.
Shane: No, that’s –
Bale: That’s what that is man, I’m telling you. I’m not asking, I’m telling you. You wouldn’t have done that otherwise.
Shane: No, what it is, is looking at the light and making sure, that you are, ugh –
Bale: I’M GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS IF YOU DON’T SHUT FOR A SECOND! ALRIGHT?
Unknowns: Christian, Christian. It’s cool.
Bale: I’m going to go…Do you want me to fucking go trash your lights? DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING TRASH YOUR? Then why are you trashing my scene?
Shane: I’m not trying to trash your scene.
Bale: You are trashing my scene!
Shane: Christian, I was only –
Bale: You do it one more fucking time and I ain’t walking on this set if you’re still hired. I’m fucking serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy, but that don’t fucking cut it when you’re bullshitting and fucking around like this on set.
McG: Alright, I know, let’s, let’s — (inaudible) –
Bale: Yeah, you might get it. He doesn’t fucking get it.
McG: I got it, I know. I get it. I get it. I know.
Bale: You might. He. Does. Not. Get It.
McG: We made good adjustments. For real, honestly. I get it. Just walk for five seconds.
Bale: No, I don’t need any fucking walking. He needs to stop walking.
McG: I get that –
Bale: I ain’t the one walking. Let’s get Tom and put this back on and let’s go again. Seriously man, you and me, we’re fucking done professionally. Fucking ass.
…And Some Scenes Of Pure Nuttiness
These ones are just some great moments of random celebrity flip outs.
Watch this space for my next installment of Celebrity Rants Caught On Tape: A Legacy Of Meltdowns.