Mario made his first appearance way back in 1981 in the classic arcade game Donkey Kong. Since then, the little Italian plumber has gone on to star in a whole scores of games, all of which have given us the same image of Mario, the lovable good guy who will fight for the downtrodden by jumping on the heads of their oppressors. He is a character so adored that Nintendo can stick him in a bunch of dull mini-games, call it Mario Party 35 and it will still sell bucket-loads.
Children across the world follow his exploits with nothing but joy and excitement, never realising that they are actually idolizing one of the most irresponsible and downright awful characters in the history of the world. It is my unfortunate task to have to reveal to you all just why Mario is in fact the worst thing to happen to kids since the BBC in the 1970s. Seriously.
10. He’s A Drug User
In the video above, Mario keeps pace with Sonic as they have a bit of a race in honour of last year’s Olympic games. Now it is possible that Sonic was going easy on him, but for Mario to get remotely close to the speedy hedgehog he would need some serious performance enhancing drugs. Lance Armstrong pulled the wool over our eyes for years, so it is entirely possible that Mario has been doing the same here.
While the evidence for his use of performance enhancing drugs might not be conclusive just yet, Mario has made no secret of the fact that he does like to take some intoxicating supplements, remember that this is a guy who likes to take mushrooms that make him “super.” I knew a guy like that a few years ago and now he lives in Morrisons car park in Camden Town trying to sell his toe nail clippings to pigeons. If Charlie Sheen is not a good role model, then Mario can’t be one either
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This article was first posted on February 12, 2013