Aren’t video games super cool? Unlike movies and books – two mediums of storytelling which selfishly prevent you from getting directly involved in the action – video games put you, the gamer, in charge. That’s right, you’re the hero, so save the princess, assassinate a ruthless dictator or, uh, drive a crime lord to a strip club if you’re playing Grand Theft Auto.
Truth is, video games are just an illusion. As wonderful as those magical swirling pixels are, you’re not really leaping around the Mushroom Kingdom absorbing coins into your body. You’re in your room with your eyes glued to the TV because you just unlocked that secret costume for Nina Williams in Tekken.
We know: it’s disappointing to comes to terms with the fact you’re not really Gordon Freeman. You’re not actually anything like Nathan Drake. You don’t even have a patch on Kirby, and that’s saying something (he’s pink and inflatable and weird). The truth is that people in real life wouldn’t stand a chance if they got themselves into the kinds of situations that video game characters do. And that’s if you were even lucky enough to be a main character with a destiny which means you get to survive the events of the game. What if you’re just an lowly inhabitant of Gamesville? A local? A regular schmuck? How would you fare given that the world is, ultimately, based around just one person? The most important question, of course… how likely is it that you’re going to end up dead?
Here’s our list of 5 Video Game Worlds You Would Hate To Live In. Because there’s nothing worse than being disposable.
5. Rollercoaster Tycoon
A day in the life…
Who would’ve thought you could visit a theme park whilst it was still being built? As in, right there in front of you. As you wait. And who would’ve thought that once a theme park is declared open I’d pay to go right on in even if there are no rides. Even if it’s a wedge of pavement or an empty field. I’ll be sad, perhaps, and I’d let somebody know with a well-timed announcement of that sadness, but I’ll pay any amount of cash to get into the park no matter what and you can’t stop me.
It’s the speed of construction these days that’s really impressive, though. You know, you can go to the park in the morning and by lunchtime there’s this huge rollercoaster that should’ve taken years and millions of dollars to build but it’s right there in front of you and ready to ride. And of course it’s been tested even though the track appears to be veering off into the sky. That’s the thing with rides these days: they’re so far advanced that even though it looks exactly like the track is veering off into the sky it’s actually not. Innovation, they call that.
So let’s get on board. Let’s ride this coaster. Let’s see what those talented ride designers have come up with next. Up we go. Higher and higher. Hey, this ride really, really does look like it ends when the track veers of into the sky. I can’t imagine how they’re going to pull this off. Wow, I’m up high now. Seriously. This is crazy high. This is sort of terrifying. Hm. It kind of looks like there are people struggling to swim down there. Loads of them. Are they all right? Gosh, I think they’re drowning. How did they get into that body of water? It wasn’t there a minute ago, that’s for sure. Well, here we go… Weeeeee — !!!
What’s to hate?
What’s just about the worst day you could have at a theme park? Overpriced drinks? Long queues? How about flying off the end of a track at 80mph on a rollercoaster designed by a maniac who just felt “bored”? Yes, the idle clicks of a Rollercoaster Tycoon player don’t bode well for those eager theme park visitors who will stop at nothing to board rides. The little cuties that venture to absolutely any theme park that’s ever built (despite high prices or the lack of stuff to do) are always oblivious to the potential horror that awaits them when they purchase a ticket.
Because when the all-powerful theme park God is tired of giving customers enough bang for their buck and trying to make a success out of his investment, there’s a high chance he might find more satisfaction in designing rides like he’s been hired to do so by the bad guy from Saw. That’s if he or she can can tear themselves away from drowning random visitors, of course, who are available to pluck up from the ground with a pair of giant tweezers and dropped anywhere.
Customers aren’t gifted with the power of intelligence in Rollercoaster Tycoon. They’re gullible and they’re dumb. They see a rollercoaster that results in a horrific collision and all it takes for them to start queuing is for the deathtrap to be re-opened again (maybe with a new name – that’s only fair). Which means what begins as a fun day out actually ends with you taking an explosive detour into the side of a carousel. You know, if the manager feels like it.
Likelihood of Death: 5/10
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