Remake Machine: GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

REMAKE MACHINE is a new feature which will attempt to make some sense out of upcoming remakes from Hollywood, and offer suggestions as to how these remakes can succeed as films as well as financial endeavors. Sixties/seventies American television might be some of the goofiest performance art ever made. Children were being warped by the likes of H.R. Pufnstuf, while adults eagerly awaited schlock like My Favorite Martian or Mr. Ed. From this creative morass emerged a long-running show called Gilligan's Island, which involved seven people marooned on an island. Unlike Lost, Gilligan's Island had poor production values and chintzy, stagey island sets. What it did have, however, was an enjoyable cast and a dynamic core of characters that made the comedic show hum. Since Gilligan's Island was wildly popular in its day - and reruns are constant somewhere in the world - it doesn't surprise anyone that Warner Brothers is developing a big screen version of the show. According to SlashFilm, Brad Copeland has been hired to write the screenplay, which may not be good news since he wrote the abysmal Wild Hogs. So what can be done with Gilligan's Island to make it work? 1. Lose the slapstick. The show was full of over-the-top slapstick and some incredibly silly props that probably will not fly in today's culture. The only way inventions like phones and cars made out of coconuts will work onscreen is if there is a plausible explanation, scientific or otherwise. In the show, the explanation used was "the professor is really smart and made it somehow." Not good enough. 2. Recast the Howells. Easily the weakest characters on the show, the Howells were a snobbish rich couple that served almost no dramatic purpose aside from being slightly villainous from time to time. The characters were played by Jim Backus and Natalie Schafer while in their sixties, which made them a bit too old to be much use dramatically while surrounded by much younger people. I would make them a couple in their thirties or forties, fitter and more dynamic. I might also ramp up their villainy a bit, and give them some sort of redemption arc at the end. 3. Give Ginger dramatic weight. In the show, Ginger was simply a "movie star" without any other defining characteristics. What if she was famous for being on reality television, or parlayed such a gig into films like a Paris Hilton? This would provide a rich vein of social commentary, and also give her a social conflict with the "old money" of the Howells. Imagine Anne Hathaway in this role with red hair and her pale skin, vamping it up. I love it. 4. Give the film a time element. One of the most irritating aspects of the show was the fact that they never left the island, nor did they ever need to leave it. The characters simply sat around and goofed off while waiting patiently for a plane or ship to rescue them - BORING. What if we introduce a time element, something that forces the castaways into action in order to save their lives? Imagine this: a tsunami is threatening to completely swamp the island, and they need to band together to get away. Or perhaps there is a volcano on the island, and it's going to erupt (cheesy, I know ... but effective). You could also introduce cannibals on the island (or a nearby island), and the castaways must desperately avoid detection during their stay. Some plot device like this would add some needed drama. 5. Do something with Mary Ann. Her presence on the show never made any sense. Why was a sweet-natured cowgirl on this three hour cruise all alone in the first place?? Make her a girlfriend of one of the characters (Ginger, perhaps??), or maybe a student tagging along with the Professor (having an affair?). She needs some reason to be there. 6. Have Gilligan and the Skipper fuck. Just kidding. However, if the tone of the film is going to be a lampoon of the show like The Brady Bunch Movie, then this might not be a bad idea. They did seem to have a pretty close relationship ... 7. Keep the theme song. It might need to be reworked for today's audiences (please, no rap version featuring Lil' Wayne), but it's one of the most memorable themes in television history. Those are some of my suggestions. Have any of your own?