Simon (the critic) & Simon (the inner teen) reviews PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS!

When you see three or four movies a week in cinemas (thanks to Cineworld's Unlimited card) and countless more DVDs and Blu-Rays as a reviewer, it is quite often difficult to turn off the critical head and view films for purely entertainment value. It's even more difficult when the film in question is aimed squarely at a demographic that I don't belong anywhere near- because let's face it, as much as I'm still grasping at the shirt-tails of my youth as it disappears over the horizon with my libido and hair line, I am not a teenager anymore.

And also despite assertions that Percy Jackson... is a family film, and the release date timing perfectly with British half-term, the majority of audience's for this latest pretender to the Harry Potter kids' epic title will clearly be teenagers and pre-teens.

So, I've made a decision to try and offer both sides of the coin where possible, channelling my inner teen (it's terribly close to the surface in all honesty) while not denying my critical side:

WARNING: There are spoilers below- I feel justified in doing this as I'm confident that most of the audience who will consciously choose to go and see The Lightning Thief will already know the details. The rest can turn away now.

Teen: Story-wise you cant fault the Percy Jackson franchise, and The Lightning Thief specifically: Percy Jackson is in fact Perseus, son of Poseidon and the product of one of the Gods' frequent foray's into the world of men where they get down with a mortal chick (this time Catherine Keener as Percy's mom). Unknown to him, Percy has a boatload of God-like powers, which he channels thanks to whispery help from his father when he's in trouble. Like Harry Potter, Percy manages to live perfectly well in the normal world, before the revelation of his powers is brought about when someone steals Zeus' Lightning Bolt, which controls lightning and is generally the most powerful weapon in existence. He is also, unbeknownst to him, protected by a guardian (Grover), who is less human than he seemed, and one of his teachers, Mr Brunner (Pierce Brosnan), who turns out to be a centaur called Chiron.

The Lightning Bolt is the key to preserving peace between Poseidon (Kevin McKidd) and Zeus (Sean Bean), who believes Percy has stolen it, and states that if the bolt is not returned there will be a Godly war.

The manner in which the guardians integrate into the human world is a highlight (though the film doesn't go into the same depth about how Grover- a faun-type satyr- hides his hooves in fake human legs as the book did), especially with the revelation that Mr Brunner's wheelchair is merely an enchanted disguise for his equine lower half.

In order to channel his powers and to protect him from various other God's and bad-uns who are seeking to do bad things to him in light of him being Poseidon's son (and potentially the Lightning Thief), Percy is sent to Camp Half-Blood where other demi-Gods are trained to harness their genetically infused skills by teachers including Chiron.

As he flees to Camp Half-Blood, Percy's mother is apparently killed by a Minotaur, though it turns out she is in fact merely imprisoned in Hell with Hades, who tries to strike a deal with Percy to swap his mother for the Lightning Bolt. Thus Percy is met with his great dilemma- to go to Zeus and protest his innocence, or to go to the Underworld and barter with Hades for the release of his mother.

What follows is an enthusiastic number of mini-adventures as Percy, Grover and fellow demi-God Annabeth, daughter of Athena (the impossibly beautiful Alexandra Daddario) first journey across America to find the keys to their escape from the Underworld (the pearls of Persephone), meeting Medusa (Uma Thurman), a Hydra and some lotus eaters (like Sirens). There are a lot of balls in the air, as Percy and pals seek to find the pearls, and the Lightning Thief, as well as rescuing Percy's mother and stopping Zeus from declaring war on Poseidon, but the criss-crossing plot strands make for a breath-taking speed for the most part, which will definitely tick boxes with the family audience.

Crit: Unfortunately, plot integrity doesn't seem to rank high with Percy Jackson's attempt to be a good movie, as there are a number of very obvious plot holes that stick out like sore thumbs. I'll give you a few that aren't really spoilers:

At the very end of the movie Percy is seen taking on Annabeth in battle training at Camp Half-Blood and holds his own quite impressively: earlier in the movie, she had royally kicked his arse before he realised (with the help of his father's disembodied voice) that harnessing the power of water was the key to beating her. But during the second training-fight there is no mention of this, and somehow Percy is able to match his female counterpart blow for blow. The early stages of the film establish that there is a sort of force-field that stops humans from accessing the realms of the Gods: for some reason at the entrance to Olympus, this gateway is through an elevator that can be accessed by humans pretty easily, and would even allow a human to see all of Olympus before the force-field stopped them. Seems a slight oversight, and makes the gateway totally redundant. Percy is never told how to use his watery skills, apart from being given the advice that water makes him stronger- yet throughout the film Percy uses some impressive water-powers to dispatch his foes. Where the hell did he learn to make waves appear from water-fountains and attack at his every command? 4. And finally, the rules of the Gods that govern interaction with their demi-God siblings clearly state that no God can have direct contact or speech with their child. In fact, Poseidon has to ask Zeus right at the end whether he can be allowed to speak to Percy- and yet, not a minute before this, when Annabeth enters the Gods' chamber with Percy, her mother Athena clearly says hello and tells her she's proud of her, without getting smited.

Teen: The main characters are a likeable bunch, and there's a flavour for everyone: starting with the floppy haired Robert Pattinson-lite Percy himself (played by rumoured new SpidermanLogan Lerman) who is undoubtedly going to set teen hearts a-flutter. Next up, and clearly for added humorous relief is Brandon T Jackson's guardian satyr Grover (not to be confused with the blue muppet), who'll give those who want a chuckle what they desire (despite being way too old to play a teenager). Next up is the inevitable love interest, Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), who'll get male teen pulses racing as well as presenting that ever-increasingly important girl-power aspect.

Crit: The multi-plot strands lead to a very chaotic feel, and mean that no characters are really given enough screen-time for the audience to care about them. The worst victim is Pierce Brosnan's Chiron, who is clearly a moral and paternal guardian for Percy, designed to guide him towards the right choices and give him manly empowering advice (like Dumbledore or Giles in Buffy). Instead he's on screen for a very small amount of time, and there isn't a sufficiently believable relationship developed between the centaur and his young charge.

Crit: The Las Vegas scene is very clever, and probably the strongest part of the movie, with the visuals and the acting both hitting high points. No coincidence that this section is almost entirely devoid of CGI or wire-work.

Crit: Where on Earth is the dramatic tension? Within the first section of the movie, Percy's mother is apparently killed by a rampaging Minotaur (and don't even get me started on the American pronunciation of this word), and he reacts with shocking nonchalance. Not a tear is shed for the woman he was willing to stand up to his boorish and violent step-father (Joe Pantoliano) for, and the acting around that whole segment is just about the most deplorable thing of the lot. And it's not the only example either.

Teen: In comparison to other adaptations of kids' modern classics recently (Eragon, Inkheart, The Secret of Moonacre and even the Narnia adaptations) Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief is not a severe disappointment, and delivers on the excitement front. While all of the above-mentioned films felt oddly soulless for the most part, it is not a lack of substance or connection with its intended audience that holds Percy Jackson back. The real problems, even for an excitable teen like me, are with the showy CGI segments that replace some more key aspects like scene development (the final battle between Percy and the real Lightning Thief isnt built up enough because it cuts to the CGI way too quickly) and the abysmal wire-work. When any character uses Hermes winged Converse to fly, the effect is so bad that the CGI workers would probably have got away with just leaving the strings on show.

Crit: I hate to have to accuse two films in the space of a week of the same thing, but like the Arthur script review I posted last week, Percy Jackson suffers from a wandering tone. I'm all for the ideal of the family film that caters for the kids with unfettered action and childish excitement, while also giving a nod to the adults with some more mature jokes (Shrek did it the best), but The Lightning Thief misjudges the idea chronically, making the adult sections way too smutty (the Persephone/Grover innuendo scene is way too close to the bone for a PG). In fact, throughout the movie there are little bits that stick out like misplaced jigsaw pieces, and you have to wonder what Chris Columbus (the man I called the former king of family flicks once) was thinking letting them slip in. Perhaps everyone was right about him, and I was misguided by my unadulterated love of the Harry Potter films (sue me, Matt!).

Crit:Steve Coogan as Hades?! Are you kidding me?! The CGI devil is impressive (and one of the only CGI bits I liked), but then to have it talk in Coogan's less than booming or imposing voice is ridiculous and oddly hilarious.

One final note, as if to give added weight to my split critique (and frankly because I think it's very sweet), I'm going to drop a direct quote from the character biography for Grover from IMDB. I hope it will elucidate the idea that although some of my comments aren't exactly positive, the fervent passion that exists for the Percy Jackson series from it's intended audience will make sure it makes a fair amount of money, and returns to screens before too long.

ok.I'm 11 so exuse the speling. grover is way to awsome. there is no where to some him up in any writing without taking the lightning theif, and putting it down exactly here. But I'll try. ok so grover is a satyr, kind of like mr.Tumnus in naria. Half man, half goat. He hides his furry legs with pants and hooves with syraphome feet in his shoes. the styraphome have hooved shape holes in them. Percy and grover are best friends. when percy goes to camp half blood, grover is always with him. grover, like every satyr, wants his sercher's licence do go on a quest to find the great, missing god of the wild, pan. grover is a fun kid, but feels he has the burden of atlas(the dude who holds the sky) on his back. he is under so much pressure to show the council, who gives him his licence, that he is worthy of it. grover is way to awsome than it looks by what I just said. the only way to take in his pure awsomness is to read the lightning theif. go. now. read it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!