DiCaprio as Welles, Maguire as Cotton in a remake of THE THIRD MAN?!?!?!

There's talk of a Third Man remake. It's an ugly story that rears it's head every now and again. CHUD say that genuine real life friends Tobey Maguire (as the cleaner than a whistle, kinder dumb but morally righteous, hack writer Holly Martins) and Leonardo DiCaprio (as the sadistic, charming and utterly insane Harry Lime) are to front-line a remake of the 1949 Carol Reed directed film noir classic from a script not yet written by Eastern Promises scribe Steven Knight. They expect a trade announcement in the next two weeks. Hmmm, I have my doubts.

Harry Lime (Welles) reveals his sadistic scheme to a shocked long time friend Holly Martins (Cotton), in the most famous scene of The Third Man (1949). I have doubts because of the talent involved. DiCaprio has always been a smart guy who has hunted down smart projects. He has never looked to go down the remake wagon and although he's not afraid to adapt big properties at his own studio (The Twilight Zone comes to mind), he's also someone who respects film history. He wouldn't remake North by Northwest but he would star in movie that pays homage to it with Catch Me If You Can. Maguire is too much of a lightweight to lead a movie such as this and he would be gobbled up as soon as DiCaprio came onto the screen. And would audiences in this fast food film mentality really have the patience to wait 2/3rd's of a movie to see one of it's main players, talked about in every single scene previous, make his grand entrance? The Third Man has no name recognition with the 18-34's crowd, which studio exec would greenlight such a strange thriller? Steve Knight is a terrific screenwriter and I believe he has the foresight to understand that there's no endgame in remaking The Third Man apart from bringing down shame, embarassment and anger onto his side from all corners of the film world. Could this story be true then? A desperate Harry Lime shoots his way to freedom, in the stinking sewers of Vienna. Of course the answer is no. There ain't no way anyone is stupid enough to remake The Third Man as a straight forward translated piece. Only twice has Hollywood gone down those murky depths of remaking an un-remakable picture with Gus Van Sant's Psycho and Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes and they were both disasters. I truly doubt they will ever go down that road again. Citizen Kane, Lawrence of Arabia, The Third Man, Casablanca, 2001: A Space Odyssey. These pictures won't ever be remade. Ever. What I could see happening and where there could be some truth in this story is if Knight has wrote a screenplay that is in the spirit of The Third Man; i.e. two long time friends whose relationship is pushed to the limit because one of them becomes corrupt and breaks the law. There could be a love triangle in there... a movie set in a different but memorable locale (they shouldn't use Vienna for obvious reasons). You know, it could be in the spirit of The Third Man... just as this year's Moon is a distinct cousin of 2001. Moon is the perfect embodiment of a movie influenced by a classic, but firmly goes off on it's own direction. That's fine, I'm happy with that. But a straight translation piece is just not going to happen and if you try it your just going to make yourself look like an asshole. Stephen Soderbergh, one of the top 20 directors in Hollywood today made a flop by the name of The Good German a few years ago (with Maguire of course) which was heavily influenced in terms of style by The Third Man, and yeah it didn't work out but at least he didn't try and remake a perfect picture. Soderbergh provided audio commentary on the Criterion transfer of The Third Manand he basically spends two hours praising what an amazing film it is. He is way to smart to remake it, even though he is powerful enough he could probably get it done. In there own way, Tobey Maguire and George Clooney (who is just about as showy as a performer as cinema has to Welles right now) have already homaged The Third Man with The Good German (2006). And then again the casting is all wrong. Ok so Maguire and DiCaprio are real life friends but I wasn't particularly aware of that before I heard this news. They are hardly Cotten and Welles. That pairing had worked together through theatre productions, tons of big movies (Citizen Kane for one) and were almost known as a creative pairing. When you got one, you usually got the other. For that kind of pairing you need a Brad Pitt and a George Clooney (Clooney would rule at the Welles part but Pitt could never be as clean cut as Joseph Cotton) or better yet, and a pairing that might actually turn out to be fruitful.. a Matt Damon and a Ben Affleck. Possibly the only real life friendship and the quality of performers who could pull this off anywhere near as closely as Orson Welles and Joseph Cotten. But no-one wants to see it happen and I firmly believe no-one ever will. I might have to eat my words at a later date but I really don't think we will ever see a major straight laced remake of The Third Man, at least not in my lifetime. I wanna be long gone when they have ran out of ideas they turn to this property.