If you're reading this and you're currently alive, there's something on the order of a 60% chance that you work in an office, have worked in an office, or one day will work in an office. As one might expect of a work environment through which a sizeable majority of the world's wage earners will pass at some point during their lives, offices provide a near-perfect cross section of humanity, highlighting all of our myriad strengths, weaknesses, triumphs, failings, flaws, quirks, and foibles.
As those of us know who have spent sizeable portions of our working lives toiling away in office buildings, the cast of individual characters may often change, but there are certain archetypes that one encounters in almost every office environment anywhere in the world, and which cut with uncanny consistency across societies, cultures, eras, and industries that are otherwise different in every way.
If you've paid your dues (or you're still paying them) in an office building or a cubicle farm, you already know who these people are. If you're a young person just embarking on your voyage into the working world, you might as well start getting acquainted with them.
10. The Sycophant
Also Known As: The Hall Monitor, The Stool Pigeon, The InformerIdentifying Traits: The Sycophant has trained her entire life for this role. Ever since grade school, her chosen calling has been to vigilantly surveil the activities of her classmates and colleagues, duly reporting any malfeasance (either real or imagined) to the relevant authority figure. The Sycophant is undeterred by the fact that these activities are not part of her job, or that they curtail the amount of time she devotes to performing her actual duties. Native Habitat: When not spying on her co-workers, The Sycophant can always be found in close proximity to the boss. She can often be seen laughing uproariously at his unfunny jokes or dutifully tidying up his office. For the boss's part, he doesn't actually like The Sycophant, but he happily tolerates her, if only because her pathological loyalty and acute lack of self-respect occasionally prove useful. She also never asks for a raise, as she is utterly convinced the boss would regard this as an act of personal betrayal and react with a fit of suicidal despair. Career Trajectory: The Sycophant believes with absolute certainty that she herself will be the boss one day. In reality, however, this eventuality is less likely than Mel Gibson officiating at your son's Bar Mitzvah.
Recovering print journalist, writing professionally since 1991, polluting the internet and wasting the world's bandwidth since 1995. Board-certified Doctor of Memetics and Trollology, offering free consultations to qualified patients.
