15 Problems Only Northerners In London Will Understand

Whether you're from Newcastle, Leeds, Manchester or York, you're a northerner and no doubt you're rather proud of it. Us northerners are a hardy bunch, taking cold weather, flooding and poor diets in our stride as we go about our daily business. We are friendly, courteous and community minded and the vast majority of us are happy in our respective towns and cities. When you live up north, you're never more than half an hour's drive away from countryside and what a countryside we have; from the North York Moors to the sprawling expanse of Northumberland National Park, we have it all up here, it's a wonder why any northerner would ever want to leave. However, for one reason or another, some of us do venture down to the big smoke for business, pleasure or a new life amongst the hustle and bustle of the so-called "global city" that is London. It can be a startling, disorienting experience to move from the warm bosom of the North to the cold, harsh reality that is London, because underneath the architecture, tourist hotspots and wealthy socialites lies a place that Northerners should approach with caution, lest it chew you up, spit you out and give you a cockney accent for your trouble. So treat this not as an article, but as a WhatCulture cautionary tale for any Northerner contemplating a move or visit to England's capital. Be prepared before you set foot on a train, plane or an automobile and keep these 15 problems in mind as you make the journey to London town...

15. Your Favourite Foods Don't Exist In London

flickrFancy a ham and pease pudding stottie in London? Ask for that in any sandwich shop and you'll get a slice of ham and a confused look. No one knows what pease pudding is and when you try to explain what it is you'll more than likely get asked to leave the shop. The same goes for stotties, barms and even luncheon meat, it's like a culinary black hole or some kind of pease pudding-less hell that there's no escape from. One saving grace is that if you look hard enough you'll be able to find a slice of black pudding to go with your breakfast, but they're few and far between.

14. The Tube Map

TFLIf you're from Newcastle, you'll be used to the Metro map, which consists of a big loop in North Tyneside and then branching lines between the Airport and Sunderland/South Shields. It's simple to read and very effective at getting you where you need to go. One look at the tube map and most northerners will either have a heart attack or a full mental shutdown, such is it's complexity. 11 tube lines, hundreds of stations, masses of intersecting stops and a zoning system that makes absolutely no sense to any rational human being and then the overground services all stacked on top of each other, it's a twisted cobweb of pure confusion.

13. Getting A Bus

In the North, bus travel is simple, you wait at a stop, a bus turns up, you tell the driver where you want to go (and if you're coming back), you hand over some shrapnel from your pocket and you go on your way. It's the way it's worked in the North for decades, so it would be logical to think it would be the same in London, right? Wrong. In London, if you get on a bus and attempt any form of interaction with the driver you'll get looked at like you've just defecated on his breakfast. No, in London you buy a ticket away from the bus (or top up an Oyster card), get on and find a seat. You don't need to announce where you're going and no cash changes hands. Even saying "thanks" to the driver as you alight at your stop is frowned upon if you're lucky enough to be on a bus with only one set of doors.

12. More Coffee Shops Than Anyone Needs

wikiCoffee appears to fuel the capital, almost like it's a social requirement to get to work in the morning with a large cup from any of the major cafe brands clutched in your caffeine starved hands. The amount of coffee shops of varying size and brands seems oddly disproportionate for each area. Look at the heart of the business district, Fenchurch Street; walk from one end to the other and you will count three Starbucks, a Nero, two Pret-A-Mangers and two Costas. Fenchurch street is less than a mile long forcing any northerner to wonder why anyone could possibly need that much coffee

11. Saying "Hello" And Getting A Blank Look

glee.wikia.comThis one is more specific to the Geordies ferreting their way throughout the capital, but offer a friendly "alreet?" (translation: "alright?") to anyone in London will have them looking at you like you're speaking in tongues.