6 Things American Schools Teach You About History (That Are Total Bullsh*t)

What I was taught:

Alright, there's a lot to unpack with this one, so sit down, strap in, and shut up, things are about to go crazy. In the 1700's England, (I really hope I'm getting the whole U.K./Britain/England thing right here), was being greedy, and wanted all of America's money, but didn't want them to have any say so in how that money was spent. "No taxation without representation!" the people yelled, and so the founding fathers secretly got together, signed a big F.U! to the king, and started blowing holes in British troops until we were our own country. The British never stood a chance, and we came out on the other side victorious, and made of freedom, bald eagles, and warm apple pie.

This was accomplished by Paul Revere riding a horse around warning that the British were coming, and then George Washington showed up, rowed across the Delaware river, and planted an American flag right in the enemy.

The truth:

Ok, lets itemize that.

1. Paul Revere was not the only one who made that ride that night. Also, he failed in his ride, and was caught fairly early on. Why does he get the praise? Because "Revere" rhymed with "hear," which was all Longfellow cared about. That's right, pure poetic laziness is the reason Paul "I got caught really damn quick." Revere is so well revered today. (that pun is fully intended.)

2. America really owes so much to the French for their part in the war. Without their arms, materials, guidance, and overall help, we'd still be spelling "color" win an extraneous "u." While George was the face of the revolution for many Americans, he really wasn't the revolutionary messiah we make him out to be here in the states.

3. The U.S. really kinda shoulda paid those taxes. They'd basically dragged England into the French and Indian war, and sorta kinda, maybe owed them money for the expense. How did they repay it? Well, they dumped what experts refer to as a metric crap-ton of British tea in a harbor, yelled about how they shouldn't pay jack in taxes, and said "We'll make our own country!"

Whether or not the founding fathers intended to include blackjack and hookers is up in the air.