1. O'Reilly's Position On Same Sex Marriage
There are certain constants which give one's life reassurance and shape. You know they'll be there in perpetuum and so you can use them almost like a navigational aid. For example, you will always have the unconditional love of your family, or, in the same way, on a cold sullen night, no matter where you are you can look up towards the deep bruised purple of the night sky and see the moon. Now, I mention the moon specifically because a couple of years ago OReilly argued with an atheist on his show that God must exist because science cant explain the tides. Ah, dearest Bill, his monumental imbecility is something of a touchstone in my life. I'm reassured when I watch him blagging his way through interviews in which he is clearly the lesser informed and lesser intelligent of the two protagonists, because, as bad as my day has been, at least I'm not that guy. In 2005 he discussed two male prison inmates who wanted to marry. OReilly said: So this is just the beginning, ladies and gentlemen, of this crazy gay marriage insanity is gonna lead to all kinds of things like this. Courts are gonna be clogged. Every nut in the world is gonna somebodys gonna come in and say, I wanna marry the goat. Youll see it; I guarantee youll see it. Typical Bill, and oh how we laughed the world over and were reassured by his ceaseless intolerance and militant chauvinism. Recently though, Bill has been giving the impression that he may have finally evolved and joined the same century as the rest of us. In April of this year he said he didn't "feel that strongly" about gay marriage "one way or another" and "I want all Americans to be happy," and added, "I live in New York. New York is fine with it." His guest said that the pro-marriage equality interest groups had made cogent and compelling arguments which opponents had been unable to counter. "I agree with you 100 percent. The compelling argument is on the side of homosexuals," O'Reilly said. "That is where the compelling argument is. We're Americans, we just want to be treated like everybody else. That's a compelling argument, and to deny that you've got to have a very strong argument on the other side. And the other side hasn't been able to do anything but thump the Bible." I was all like, "Say whaaaaaaat?!?!" - the second syllable a dramatic two octaves higher in register than the initial "Say" of my question, and a full five seconds long. How dare he? How very dare he? If I'm in agreement with Bill O'Reilly on any topic whatsoever then, frankly, I'm no longer sure which way is up. The astonishment I experienced as I absorbed his reasonable attitude on this issue dragged me to my knees, my tremulous fingers clutching at my chest, ice-cold tendrils of fear twisting themselves up my spine. I took to my bed for a couple of days. My physician, a Dr. Prassad, tells me that this is merely the physical manifestation of my being shocked and offended. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask again, how dare he?