11 Things That Only Amateur Footballers Will Understand

10. Scandalous Terrains

No matter what anybody tells you, playing football on anything other than a carpet is difficult. So when you're thrust into the elements of the city suburbs, battling wind and rain, only to discover you'll be playing on a recently defunct cattle farm, you begin to fear the worst. It's not even the cow pat and dog sh*t plastering the pitch that's problematic; give the shout and some brave soul emerges from where the touchline should be, wildly brandishing a shovel in the name of health and safety. It's the inability to see where the 'pitch' (we'll call it that for consistency's sake) starts and ends. It's the fact you're running €” no, the grass is far too long €” the fact you're wading uphill through dense mist, foot-long craters and land mines, all the while trying to stick to the gaffer's philosophy and emulate 'that Ajax team' of 1972. In Sunday league, a flat pitch with even remotely short grass is akin to the holy grail.