11 Things That Only Amateur Footballers Will Understand

8. The Usual Suspects

In amateur football there are a few easily identifiable characters which apparently grace every club. Firstly, you have the psycho. He's usually a battle-hardened centre-half with a particularly low IQ and propensity for violence. War cries of 'tek his legs!', or 'he doesn't want it!' are not unusual here, and he continually displays the aggressiveness typical of a jumped-up adolescent, despite being 41. Another common figure in amateur football is the slightly fat talisman. He's the metronome, a calming influence €” usually in the centre of the park €” that keeps everything ticking over. Rarely leaving the centre circle (he's massively unfit), this guy has a Godly touch coupled with the vision of Paul Scholes. He's also the one player on the pitch emotionally mature enough to play a safe backwards pass. Sadly, everything went downhill after those failed trials with West Ham. Finally, we have the speed demon. Usually a winger of impressive stature and immense pace, the speed demon is an absolutely woeful footballer. The other team will fear his pace for the first five, before quickly sussing that he can't cross, dribble, pass or support his own head yet.