5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (May 24)
Sister, Sister! Never knew how much they botched ya.
In 2016, WWE plummeted to the nadir of its dire comedic segment.
If you have understandably repressed the memory, the Club trotted out an aged, tired version of the New Day. No, not the poor pancake patter vintage of 2018, but three Independent no-marks cosplaying as the 'Old Day'. What happened to these guys, Luke Gallows pondered, with a nostalgic sting for his days as Festus. "Well, at Clash of Champions, you guys beat the pee-pee out of us!" said one of them. I refuse to look closely enough at the costuming to determine which.
Could he say that?
No. He was referring to the "power of positivity". Playing along, because isn't wrestling fun, the interfering Kofi Kingston feigned fear of interacting with his future self lest the 'WWE Universe' implode. If only it bloody had. This was shocking. Awful. Bad enough to make you question devoting so much of your life to pro wrestling as an adult fan. And, if it wasn't meant for us, it certainly wasn't even clever nor witty enough to make the kids pop.
In 2017, the normally unflappable Alexa Bliss understandably bombed when presenting the equally unfunny and cringeworthy 'Bayley: This Is Your Life' segment, a symphony of awkwardness so excruciating that WWE apologised for it - while blaming the blameless Bliss onscreen, naturally.
Just eight days removed from its anniversary, WWE promoted the dog-sh*t worst of this unholy trinity...
5. Bobby's Sisters
Pictured: Bobby Lashley being literally held back by harrowing comedy in a potent visual metaphor for the absolute state of this company.
WWE produced a segment worse than This Is Your Life on Monday. In it, Sami Zayn dragged out three Indy wrestlers in drag from the back to play Bobby Lashley's sisters who, on this evidence, might as well just give up now. Their acting was shocking. The material was shocking. The segment itself wasn't shocking, because this is the sort of drivel we've come to expect from a company you cannot believe is about to bank one billion dollars from Fox over the next five years. Sami asked each "sister" to assassinate Lashley's character, mirroring the unintended result of the angle IRL before Bobby retreated from the back to do a worse impression of a smiling eh-who-gives-a-toss John Cena than Cena himself managed last year. Before all that, "Frances" had the following to say about her upbringing.
"Bobby would take his knuckle and he would hit me on the top of his head as hard as he could."
There was such a strange specificity about this line that you have to wonder what went on in that trailer park when McMahon was a wean. Was this both a rancid comedy segment and a cry for help?
This strange oscillation - WWE has never been in a healthier financial position, and has never offered a product so drastically sh*tty - is enough to cause a migraine. The only way to rid oneself of it, on Monday’s evidence, is to smash your head into the f*cking wall. With half of your brain smeared across it, you'd still find a way to put Lashley over better than that room of utter hacks.