10 Things That Won’t Happen In THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Following our list of what's certain, here's 10 things that definitely won't happen in Christopher Nolan's epic conclusion to his The Dark Knight Trilogy.

Stephen Leigh

Contributor

Following on from our list of inevitable things to come, here’s 10 things that definitely won’t be happening in Christopher Nolan’s epic conclusion to his Dark Knight trilogy.

Once again, proceed with caution. SPOILERS AHEAD.

A Tie-In Prince Soundtrack

Someone was responsible for the bizarre decision to let Prince create a soundtrack for Tim Burton’s Batman and we all know it was the money men! Now lets get this out of the way first, I’m not saying Prince is bad, or Tim Burton‘s excellent take on the Batman universe shouldn’t be remembered fondly as the film that brought Bats to an adult audience. I will however argue that watching Jack Nicholson dance around an art gallery to Partyman, is probably on par with any level of camp found in the 1960’s Adam West TV series.

I can just about imagine Christopher Nolan’s Batman universe with a dose of metrosexual funk, and I’m split over it being uniquely amazing or inconceivably painful. Actually, imagining Christian Bale doing the Batdance, it’s definitely the latter.

Post-humorous Heath Ledger Cameo

After the tragic death of Heath Ledger in 2008, rumours have come and gone that the film will feature a cameo from the late actor, using unused outtakes or audio from The Dark Knight. Many still feel this could be the case with a prison breakout forming part of The Dark Knight Rises plot.

The rumours continue to persist, but Nolan himself has explicitly stated that out of respect, Heath Ledger will not feature in The Dark Knight Rises. When the series is inevitably reinvented after Nolan’s conclusion, expect the character to eventually return, with some poor actor having the impossible job of living up to the fantastic performances that have come in the past.

Bat Nipples

Surely the ugliest moment in the history of Batman, the festishised costumes of Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin were something many wish they could permanently erase from their memory. As if the ridiculous costumes weren’t enough, the whole film borders on unwatchable and seems to be a legitimate attempt to completely kill the Batman franchise for good. It almost worked, taking eight years for Warner Bros to have the courage to reinvent the film series.

While we can definitely expect Lucius Fox to provide Wayne with a newly refined costume, it’ll certainly be free of rubber nipples that you could juice a lemon on. If Lucius presented anything like this to Bruce Wayne, he’d be immediately branded a pervert and replaced by Steve Jobs or Q from the Bond franchise.

 

Two-Face Lives !

Another rumor that continues to persist, despite the character clearly being killed off in The Dark Knight, is Aaron Eckhart returning as Two Face. In a film already stuffed full of villains and new characters including Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman and Tom Hardy’s Banel, there’s absolutely no chance of Two-Face returning for more disfigured coin tossing shenanigans.

Need further proof ? One of the recently leaked pictures from the set highlights a plaque at Blackwater Penitentiary dedicated to District Attorney Harvey Dent.

 

Robin – The Incredible Man-child

I wish I could feel sorry for Robin, being the much hated man-child that he is. Unfortunately it’s impossible, because he’s completely redundant and unnecessary a character to the Batman mythos. Invented as a ploy to draw in a younger audience, the inclusion of Robin has rarely been done well on screen. However, Chris O’Donnell (above, emitting a subsonic fart) did do a fantastic job portraying Robin’s uselessness, which no actor should ever have the burden of going through.

Making Batman anything but a loner completely ruins what the character is all about. Thank heavens that Christopher Nolan has frequently expressed his disinterest in introducing Robin. Even better, Bale was unable to hide his contempt allegedly stating that he’d refuse to be part of the series if Robin was introduced. Sorry Robin, you’re forever neglected to being the unpopular co-op character in Batman video games.

 

Presented In 3-D

The recent industry obsession with 3-D is slowly but surely coming to an end. In a repeat of its short-lived return in the 1980’s giving us trash like the godawful Jaws 3-D, it’s likely to once again go on a lengthy hiatus. Dropping box office figures for 3-D and the struggles of the Nintendo 3DS and 3D Televisions, are a definite sign that the end could possibly be nigh for the third dimension.

Warner Brothers did inevitably ask Christopher Nolan to shoot his final Batman film in 3-D; thankfully a request he and cinematographer Wally Pfister turned down. Instead, we get the film on IMAX, a format far more immersive and exciting than 3-D.  Just like The Dark Knight, many of the films action sequences as well as the stunning aerial shots of Gotham will take up the mammoth screen.

Let’s go back how things were, when 3-D was an exclusive novelty in theme park attractions. I’d much rather endure 15 minutes of Captain E.O, than more badly retrofitted 3-D theatrical films.

 

Arnie Style Pun-ishment

Tom Hardy’s Bane is looking increasingly like the greatest physical foe Batman has ever faced. This would all be ruined if Hardy suffered a knock to the head and decided to style his performance on that of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin. It would result in Batman having to once again face some truly awful puns, far worse than any physical threat.

I’m going to be the Bane of your existence !

This is going to be Bain’ful !

Etc, etc.

 

An Adult Rating

On its release The Dark Knight was somewhat controversial for its 12A rating, meaning that any child could watch the film if accompanied by an adult. More the fault of parents and not the BBFC, many were outraged when they took their kids to see a film involving a psychopathic clown who details his passion for stabbing people and savoring the moment they die…. It’s not exactly Fantastic Four. Yet, despite parents needing to use more common sense, few would argue that the film didn’t push the boundaries of what is acceptable in a 12 certificate film.

Before it was released some anticipated the possibility of a more adult rating, such as a 15 or R-rating in the states. Others still argue that the film has signs of imposed censorship, including an odd and jarring edit during the ‘Why so serious’ sequence.

None the less, despite Nolan’s take on the Batman universe being dark, gritty and often violent, the series is far too profitable to receive anything less than a 12A or PG-13 rating. Therefore there’s no reason to expect otherwise with this final entry.

 

It’ll Win An Oscar For Best Film

While blockbuster films like The Dark Knight are beginning to become accepted by the Academy as worthy Award winners, it’s still highly unlikely that Nolan’s conclusion will walk away with Best Picture. Earlier this year, at the 83rd Oscar Ceremony, Nolan’s Inception managed to snag itself Best Picture and Best Script nominations but sadly achieving wins in neither. It did manage to rightly walk with Best Cinematography and Visual Effects, but Nolan deserved recognition for having creating one of the most inventive and intriguing films of the year.

It’s almost certain that however good The Dark Knight Rises ends up being, it’ll once again struggle to receive the coveted Best Picture award. Will Nolan finally receive a Best Director nomination this time?

 

It Was All A Dream!

Many have questioned the way in which Nolan blends a gritty Michal Mann style world with fantasy comic-book elements which require suspension of disbelief. The final scene of The Dark Knight Rises will depict a disgruntled Michael Caine waking up to find that his adventures serving a man dressed as a Bat was an elaborate dreamscape crafted by Juno and the young boy from Critters 3.

This shock ending will lead into the plot for Inception 2: Dream Warriors released in 2016.

 

Anything else you can think of that won’t happen? Do tell…