Ac Black Flag

It’s often been said that video games are a bit lacking in the narrative department. While countless number of contemporary FPS series have been harshly criticised for their bumbling, borderline offensive plotlines, the fact is video game stories have sucked since the dawn of the medium. Back in the day, you didn’t need much more motivation than, “Hey, there’s an evil mushroom, go stomp on it,” or, “See that nasty centipede thing? Go shoot it; cheers.”

It’s time for us, as gamers, to finally slaughter our sacred cows by singling out beloved videogame classics with utterly stupid stories.

So hold onto your Dickens as we Chekhov the 13 worst classic videogame storylines.


13. Castlevania


Kicking us off (appropriately enough) at the number 13 slot, we have the macabre NES classic ‘Castlevania.’ In this seminal action-platformer your play as whip-toting vampire hunter Simon Belmont as you lash your way through Dracula’s castle in pursuit of the Count, taking down such iconic foes as Frankenstein’s monster and the Grim Reaper along the way. After much hardship, you track down the Lord Vampire himself. Then you slay him. Roll credits. Wuh?

Where Simon’s Quest’s narrative is legendarily nonsensical (incomprehensible villages and inexplicable tornadoes anyone?), Castlevania’s story is near-absent. You’re a vampire hunter. You hunt vampires. Go hunt some vampires. Snore.

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This article was first posted on December 19, 2013