7. Crash
I don't even pretend to know what
Crash is about. And I'm not talking that racial drama that won an Oscar a few years ago, ho no, I'm talking David Cronenberg's kuh-ray-zay adaptation of J.G. Ballard's novel. All I know is that it focuses on the lives of people who are turned on by car crashes. That in itself is kinda weird. But then even more inexplicably, everyone is turned on by James Spader. I have nothing against James Spader. James Spader is a cool dude. He is the man that gave life to the character of Alan Shore, of
The Practice and
Boston Legal fame, and for that he shall forever be in the pantheon of Legendary Oddball Actors. But
Crash is seriously just an hour and a half of people borking James Spader, with Howard Shore providing a soundtrack of stringed instruments at their most creepiest
. Imagine violins, cellos etc. just continuously making this noise over and over again.
Reeeurrrnt! Rrrroooorreeernt! Rrrrnnt! Now imagine these sounds coupled with James Spader 'coupling' with Debra Kara Unger. And Holly Hunter. And Patricia Arquette.
And Elias Koteas. It's not sexy. It's the antithesis of sexy. I don't know why I keep this movie. Maybe in case I ever capture an intruder in my home, and I want to subject them to torture before calling the cops?