5. Forrest Gump
Just as the sun setting in the West is inevitable, so was my disillusionment with
Forrest Gump. It all seems very sweet and soulful and twee when you're a kid. When you're an adult, you can see through the special effects and soundbites and see that some parts of it are, well, slush. Jenny dies of AIDS - aka The Virus That We All Know She Has Just Come Out and Say It - like, two weeks or something after finding true love with Forrest. Oh, and of COURSE Lieutenant Dan now has 'magic legs', keeping with the theme of loss and gain and limbs and 'Circle of Life' schmaltz! And Forrest, your main concern when you see your kid is whether or not he's 'smart'? Dude, you're a millionaire that has met many important historical figures and done things most can only dream about, all with an IQ that's the same number as the temperature on a warm summer's day. Smarts don't matter, man! Stupid is as stupid does! But the thing about
Forrest Gump is that it becomes an unintentionally hilarious campy romp if you parrot the lines back to the characters, usually under the influence of an intoxicating liquid. Come on, you at home, try this with me. Whenever these lines are spoken, take a shot, then yell them out as loud as you can in a Southern hick accent. 'Is thar a Mist-ah Gump? Missus Gump? HURR HURR HURR HURR!' 'I'm sorry I ruined yaw Black Panth-ah Par-tay.' 'AH GOTTA FIND MAH JEN-NAAAAY!' 'Ah got shot in tha butt-HOCKS.' 'Lieutenant DAAAAN... EYE-ASS CREEEEAAAM.' 'Ah didn't like her, Lieutenant Dan... She smelt like CIG-HAR-ETTESSSS!' Oh, and whenever Gary Sinise has a meltdown, just pick up the goddamn bottle and swig.