3. A View To A Kill: An Old Man Gets Up To Naughtiness
Roger Moore was 58 when A View to a Kill was released, and he looks every inch of it. Well, every inch of a 58 year old who has had an unfortunate facelift. His leading ladies this time round were Grace Jones (37) and Tanya Roberts (30). He has twenty one years on the first and nearly thirty years on the second. To put that in perspective, he was nearly 100% older than his leading lady. If that doesn't make mathematical sense, then it makes 'it just feels wrong' sense. In his previous two Bond movies, the writers had deliberately paired Moore with more mature actresses, the better to make his own descent into senescence seem less jarring. Here, they throw up their hands and let him shag away to his dodgy heart's content. One of the qualities Moore brought to the role was his essential disbelief in the character. As he pointed out, Bond is supposed to be a spy, yet his catchphrase is his name- "Bond, James Bond" ('ah, but is it his name?' whimper the fanboys). The seduction scenes, which in Connery's firm grip were charged with sexual charisma, became elaborate and knowing jokes. They're less funny when Bond is double the age of the girl under him, leering at her with a ragged vulpine smile. This is exactly how his first conquest of the movie, an MI6 operative in an iceberg shaped mini-sub, plays out. You can see the facelift. You can hear the wheeze in his voice. It's your dad hitting on your girlfriend, and it's as erotic as crazy paving. Incredibly, it's not even the most awkward love scene in the movie. That title would have to go to the Grace Jones moment. A View to a Kill was made in 1985, so an appearance from Grace Jones was inevitable. Brilliantly, she's playing herself as she was on The Russell Harty Show- sullen, and physically abusive. Combine this with Moore's decrepit suavity and you have the least romantic chemistry ever recorded on film. The best thing is that the film-makers seem to be completely aware of it, and fashion a scenario so awkward you wouldn't wish it on your worst grand-dad. Bond, enjoying some midnight spying, is nearly discovered by the villain Zorin and his hench-lady May Day (Jones). Dragging a victory from the jaws of defeat (while simultaneously dragging defeat from the jaws of victory) he hops into May Day's bed and purrs huskily "I've been waiting for you". His next line- "You're a woman of few words"- is at least half-verifiable. There follows the most awkward disrobing ever (Grace drops her furs to reveal some eerily well-toned back muscles), the most awkward slipping into bed moment ever (literally- one second of rogue nipple was edited from the sequence) and the most awkward example in the admittedly limited range of 'flipping over then straddling a terrified old man' moments. Nothing about this sequence is right. Nothing about it should have been allowed to reach celluloid. There was no Bond fan on Earth who wanted to see Grace Jones manhandle a tired Roger Moore. There was no human being on Earth who wanted to see Grace Jones manhandle a tired Roger Moore. Awkward? This moment practically redefines the word. After that, Bond's closing contretemps with Tanya Roberts in a shower seems positively normal. It's not, of course, but a love scene with Grace Jones is always going to be the most awkward moment in anything, ever.