10 Commandments All Movies Should Obey

8. (Film) Phone Etiquette

the hangover This one's funny. Because it pretty much drops you into "I'm watching a movie" territory once you realize it, in the same way that a TV show giving a character's phone number as "555-whatever" reminds you, "Oh yeah - this isn't real. It's TV." TV is guilty of this too, but again, the tropes of TV are different or insist that things are moving faster than their budgets can afford to with events and use fast exposition and character interraction instead. Movies....well, we need to believe in their worlds way more than TV, usually. Suspension of disbelief helps us get scared or care for a lead, or root for a cause or couple hooking up. Maybe you REALLY need to accept you're on an alien planet, rather than that one rock in Southern California. Anyways, I'm going to point this out, and it'll never leave you once I do. Get ready for movie realism to shatter forever if they blow this one. People often talk on the phone in an unrealistic way in films. They don't say hello. They don't say goodbye. They don't interject as to what later plans are, ask how trivial things are if they aren't plot-relevant, or when they'll even see a loved one later or that they miss them. Basically, it's like movie phone etiquette is down to running calls like Robin Williams did to Al Pacino in "Insomnia". Which is insane, because in that movie HE WAS TRYING TO INTIMIDATE AND BLACKMAIL HIM.
You can have a cop calling his partner, a woman calling her daughter, or a man calling the girl he's trying to impress. They all run calls without an exchange of pleasantries and have no interest in the details that we all often take the opportunity to exchange. They just say what's necessary to advance the plot and hang up. Again, if you're Mork from Ork trying to extort freedom from Tony Montana, I get it. It's creepy. If you're calling your wife and you just cut in with, "Things are pretty bad here. I think you better stay indoors to up the film's tension" and then hang up after she responds.....uh, wow. Men, try this with your wives/girlfriends! And let me know how many times you get away with it before she assumes you either hate her or she just changes the locks. But it's a movie! you say. Yes, it is. And you know what that movie needs you to do? Care about its protagonists, its heroes, and often also care about the relationships with those they love. Unless you're trying to show that the hero is a bit thick or neglects his ladyfriend (Brad Pitt's inability to realize how much he should treasure Gwyneth Paltrow's neck in "Se7en" comes to mind), you probably want to relate or understand how they treat those close to them. Running their phone calls as though they're making demands in a David Lynch film noir probably isn't going to scream "caring", "loving", or "concerned".
Is your film supposed to sell us on realism? Then, realistic phone calls, please. Thank you.
 
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In a parallel universe where game shows' final jackpots and consequent fortunes depend on knowledge of obscure music trivia and Jon Pertwee/Tom Baker Doctor Who episodes, I've probably gone rich, insane, and am now a powermad despot. But happily we're not there, so I'm actually rather pleasant. Really.