5. For Special Services
One for the nostalgists out there among the Bond community, who liked it when everything was distinctly more batty. Named after the inscription on a revolver presented to Ian Fleming by Chairman of the OSS (Office of Strategic Services,)General William Donovan, who asked the author to write a lengthy memorandum describing the structure and functions of a secret service organisation, which became part of the OSS charter, For Special Services is a fairly colourful addition to the Bond canon. In it Bond teams uo with the daughter of Felix Leiter (CIA agent Cedar) to investigate the revival of SPECTRE by Markus Bismaquer years after the death of its leader, Ernst Stavro Blofeld in You Only Live Twice. Bond and Cedar pose as art dealers to infiltrate obsessive collector Bismaquer's ranch, where Bond naturally ends up in a car race with the villain, as well as in bed with his frustrated and one-breasted wife Nena. Bond then discovers that under their new leadership SPECTRE are planning to gain control of NORAD's military space satellite network, but when he's discovered he is captured and brainwashed into believing he is an American general assigned to inspect NORAD. Luckily he regains consciousness, thanks to the interference of Bismaquer who sabotaged the hypnosis, thanks to his attraction to Bond (he's revealed to be bisexual). Further twists come when Bismaquer is killed by Nena, who it turns out is daughter of Blofeld and the real head of the new SPECTRE, which she tells Bond just before being killed by her pet pythons. Very possibly the most insane sounding Bond plot of all, and it's a massive shame, though by no means a surprise that it has never been picked up as a film. A spoof film couldn't write something that ludicrous.