10 Incredibly Bland Movies For Bland People

A good definition of a “cult” movie might be, “A film whose unique qualities cause us to return to it again and again, even if it’s not that great.”

At the other end of the scale are the dime-a-dozen blockbusters, where unique qualities are anathema and the higher the budget the fewer the number of original ideas. These are the sequels and reboots that opened to supposedly record-breaking weekends before their box office fell 50% in week two as audiences put them from their minds and moved on.

Not that any of these films caused the studios to break a sweat: in fact, films such as The Mummy Returns and Tim Burton’s Planet Of The Apes were not only held up as rousing successes, they were among the year’s highest grossing movies.

It’s fashionable to knock Hollywood for producing the kinds of films that are numbered instead of titled, but that absolves the guilt of audiences who made Transformers: Dark Of The Moon the tenth movie to gross a billion dollars worldwide.

“We seem to be able to sell anything, regardless of quality,” admitted a studio head. “It’s a little frightening.”

Here, then, are 10 sequels and reboots that will hopefully cause audience members to reflect on their viewing habits and choose more carefully in the future.

Hollywood’s Devil worshipers had the formula for a successful fright flick down cold: some pretty actors from television in their first lead roles, a budget in the $5-20 million range to ensure profitability, enough special effects to entertain a caffeinated twelve-year-old and a script written in crayon by Sloth from The Goonies.

In 2005, they sat down and said to each other: “Remember that John Carpenter film about the haunted fishing village? Here’s the remake: it’s Clark Kent and his African-American sidekick versus the ghosts from Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. With a wimp rock soundtrack. From the director of MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This video!”

Most of The Fog’s cast either weren’t born or were still in diapers when Carpenter’s film came out, but hopefully they caught it on television. Hopefully someone did, although there’s not much evidence of that in the finished film. Antonio Bay has become Spooky Island, where kids know best and all the adults are corrupt, so it’s a shame that the teenage leads don’t drive around in a van solving mysteries.