8. An Entire Chinese Army Mulan
Ive never seen the dulcet tones of Donny Osmond do anything other than make old ladies weak at the knees, but if Mulan is to be believed, he has other, more martial qualities too. Namely, Osmond can be used to train the Chinese Army. I know, thats a ridiculous statement, but please, bear with me. You see, in Mulan a film ostensibly about the benefits of cross-dressing, or so Im told Donny Osmond provides the singing voice of Captain Li Shang, the leader of the army Mulan joins while disguised as a man. Its made clear from the start that Mulans unit is highly incompetent from the very start theyre populated by idiots and dimwits, and they start fighting within three minutes of all lining up together. This lot could barely lick a postage stamp, never mind the approaching Hun army. So really, theres only one thing for it musical theatre! Hey, this is a Disney film after all, so Shang Yi takes his shirt off and reveals hes got an excellent singing voice. Oh go on, watch it below you know you want to. In a way only a montage can, Osmonds vaguely homoerotic lyrics stir something up in his men (stop that) to such an extent that these formerly useless amoebas become capable of superhuman feats, such as cartwheeling on poles and nailing tomatoes to a wall. Admittedly, because its a Disney film, it might not be the most shocking bad-ass development, but its just how it happened that makes it so ridiculous. I mean, Donny Osmond? Really? I guess next time I want to attempt a contact sport I should play Crazy Horses beforehand, and submit to the power of Osmond. It certainly worked for these guys (and girl).