3. Russell Crowe - The Man With The Iron Fists
I'm still not sure how this particular casting decision came to fruition. It's as if Russell Crowe was on holiday, had gone on a donut only diet and accidentally stumbled onto the set. If Purple Rain is a cheesefest, then The Man With The Iron Fists (2012) is a Cheese Expo taking place at Earl's Court Exhibition Centre with over 1,000 stalls for the 3 day Bank Holiday weekend. Presented by Quentin Tarantino, this is a super-gore homage to martial arts movies of the Seventies. Directed by the Wu-Tang Clan rapper/producer the RZA, and written by the RZA and Eli Roth, it's an unashamed genre movie. There's little characterisation and the dialogue is stilted. It's all about the action, baby. And in the middle of this martial arts maelstrom is a chubbily cuddlesome Russell Crowe. With a knife that's also a gun and a chainsaw. According to the press release, the RZA's intention was to have this character, Jack Knife, channel the spirit of slightly weird and very dead Wu-Tang Clan member ODB. MC Criggedy Criggedy Crowe spent ten days on set, and his performance suggests the ODB tune he is humming is Baby I Got Your Money. He is supposed to be an opium addicted British soldier, but Oscar winner Russell Crowe manages to camp it up so much it's as if Uncle Monty has been beamed in from Withnail And I. When he fools around with 3 prostitutes I'm half-expecting him to say in a frantic whisper, "I mean to have you. Even if it's burglary." Oh, and that holiday I referred to in paragraph 1? It was plainly a "donut only and strictly no acting" package deal. Russell Crowe is hammier in this movie than a massive, genetically modified suckling pig. At least his English accent is better in this movie than it was in Robin Hood. When he rides off on his horse at the end of the movie you just know he's going to see his bank manager.