2. Elves (1989)
To try and explain the transcendent awfulsomeness of something like
Elves is a failed enterprise. It is something that must be seen to be believed. The plot goes something like this: an ancient evil elf is awakened by an Anti-Christmas pagan ritual. The elf is part of a neo-Nazi scheme to realize Hitler's dream of creating half-human/half-elf hybrids that will construct the true master race and take over the planet. Our lead girl is the last of a specific bloodline that the elf must mate with in order to create the ultimate life-form. Meanwhile, an alcoholic ex-cop is slumming as a mall Santa and ends up being the sole protector of the girl. Go back and read that synopsis again. If that doesn't make you
need to see this movie, what are you doing reading this list? I haven't even mentioned that the elf creature is just a single bust reused throughout the entire film, or that the acting is like some kind of accidental comedy/Andy Kaufman level of awkwardly bad. If you see only one movie from this list for this Christmas, make it
Elves. Just make sure you have a lot of friends and plenty of intoxicants and I guarantee a sublime experience. So after all these off-the-wall movies, what could possibly claim the number one spot. Well, down another couple glasses of eggnog and prepare yourself because this time, it's personal...