Watched all 22 hours of The Hobbit/Lord Of The Rings extended editions? You poor, poor people. Lets skip over the part where Gandalf is great pals with an army of giant eagles whose only job was to keep an eye on the kind of evil that Sauron and Smaug represent. Lets hurdle the point that they could have flown any combination of hobbits, men, dwarves and elves to whatever foul necromantic destination they desired, bypassing the various underground Lairs Of Evil altogether. Lets assume that there was some completely valid reason as to why that didnt happen (although there wasnt, by the way) and as to why Gandalf made everyone walk everywhere (there still wasnt). Yes, leaving the issue of the giant eagle army aside (good grief) Gandalf The Grey is supposed to be this unbelievably mighty wizard, capable of commanding audiences with kings and queens, and a member of the White Council. One would assume that a wizard would know how to utilise some form of, lets call it magic. You know, to deal with irritating problems they might encounter along the way, help them steer clear of trouble, that kind of thing. It appears not. Your kid brother probably got better magic tricks free with a box of Frosties. But no it actually gets worse. You see, Gandalf isnt really a wizard at all: thats just what men, hobbits and dwarves call him because they dont know any better. Hes in disguise hes really an angel given human form. An Istari, he was sent to guide the mortal races in the face of the evil represented by Sauron (who is of the same ilk as Gandalf, just totally evil and such). So hes an angel on (Middle) Earth, but one with no real power or agency, making hairy-footed young men travel around the fantasy equivalent of Salford town centre on a Saturday night to do his dirty work. Being a crap wizard is one thing, but being a crap angel is just embarrassing.
Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
