2. The Real Life Pocahontas Is Way More Creepy
DisneyWe know, expecting realism from a Disney cartoon is like expecting a dog to fly, or 4chan to stop posting gross pornoraphy - ie pretty unreasonable - but Pocahontas is one of the few films out of the House of Mouse that is, in theory, based on a true story. More true than The Lion King, anyway. Did you know that's based off Hamlet? Crazy. Anyway, a quick overview of the plot of Pocahontas for the uninitiated: Captain John Smith and a bunch of Brits head off to the New World, where they wanna get loads of gold; turns out it's more Native Americans than gold; Pocahontas is one of those Native Americans, who is about to be married to some douche; despite their differences, she and John Smith fall for each other and, after some semi-violent colonialism, they ride off into the sunset with each other.
What really happened: Aw, another heartwarming storybook romance for the whole family to enjoy. Yeah, the actual story is...not that. And not just because there's no record of the real Pocahontas being friends with an obese racoon, a talking tree, or singing about colours in the wind. The main difference is that she was actually 10 or 11 years old when John Smith showed up and started making the moves on her, which is TOTALLY CREEPY. Although there wasn't any evidence that the two of them had any romance, or that Smith was anything but a complete jerk, and she probably didn't even bother saving him from her tribe, as happens in the film. The real Pocahontas was captured by different colonists after Smith had run away back to England, converted to Christianity, and actually married John Rolfe, the guy who introduced tobacco to the United Kingdoms. Which...sort of happened in the direct-to-video sequel to Pocahontas that nobody saw, and which also kept all of the somewhat racist and stereotypical depictions of Native American life that tribe leaders had called Disney out on with the first film. Pocahontas: a tissue of lies, racism, and sleaziness. Everything you want from a Disney movie, really?