17. Jupiter Ascending - The Moment Where The Heroes Are Armchairs
The Wachowski siblings latest cinematic oddity was this years Jupiter Ascending, a space opera that reminds you of nothing so much as a humourless cross between Flash Gordon and a motorway pile-up. There are terrible, terrible things wrong with this movie: but taken all together, none of them matter, because this is a so bad its amazing scenario of breathtaking proportions. The huge, overwrought production design, the ridiculous, incoherent narrative, the idiot characters with ludicrous names, Eddie Redmayne choosing to act at a pitch that only dogs can hear in a perfect storm of high camp, Jupiter Ascendings crap bits combine in some unholy gestalt that actually works, if youre prepared to shut down your brain and plug in a bottle of Tizer instead. Having nearly pulled it off, the movies central failing is all the more galling. The protagonists have no chemistry whatsoever. Im not talking about being unbelievable as on-screen lovers Im talking about being unbelievable as onscreen people. Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis arent exactly Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn, but individually theyre normally pretty good value. Kunis is usually sparky good fun, and Tatum in particular is an underrated screen presence, more than just a pretty face but not here. For some reason both actors spend the film doing their very best impressions of furniture. A film composed of so much awesome bullsh*t urgently needs a still centre to anchor the nonsense, and here its a conventional white knight rescues damsel in distress trope but their inability to play the roles theyve been hired for well and truly scuppers that.
Jack Morrell
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Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
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