3. The Rise And Fall Of The British Empire
Growing up, I adored films. Hoovered them up. In fact, the only thing more persistent at the video store than myself was the damp on the wall and the proprietors genital herpes. But I digress Horror, action and sci-fi were my genres of choice and in the 80s that meant films such as
The Howling, The Exterminator, Escape From New York, Friday the 13th, Class of 1999, Phantasm, Near Dark, The Hitcher, Terminator, The Stepfather, Aliens, A Nightmare on Elm Street, E.T. and
The Thing. And all I used to think about - apart from Tawny Kitaen sprawled over the bonnet of that Jaguar - was why dont we make films like this?" After all, unless its a film with gun-toting patrol officers, skyscrapers or cowboys, theres no reason why we couldnt make the popular films that America was churning out. All of the above films could easily have been transposed here. If money is an issue, all with the exception of
Aliens, E.T. and
The Thing were low budget. Yet we didnt make them. We just got the Victorian lesbians talking about their forbidden love in films that moved only slightly faster than the average continental drift. But I digress So after years of semi-autobiographical coming-of-age dramedies by directors who thought their growing pains were of interest to anyone but themselves and that awkward girl with the stringy hair and buck teeth with whom they had their first fumble, we finally started producing films in genres with more international appeal.
Donkey Punch, Eden Lake and
The Disappearance of Alice Creed made little impact but they werent helped by being very low budget and with limited releases and next to no marketing. But then came
Solomon Kane - a dark and gritty sword and sorcery tale which, like
Dredd 3D, had plenty of special effects. And it tanked, too. The five second trailer and just a week at select cinemas didnt help, either. Now, the point is not whether you like such films but the fact that it was less British and more of what we were lapping up at the multiplex and mouldy, herpes-infested video store. And then came
Dredd 3D - with the bad-assery of Dirty Harry, inexorable nature of the Terminator, and the against-all-odds spirit of John Mcclane. Based on a 30 year stalwart of comic books, and with the throwback feel of the 80s guns n action movies, we had finally caught up with our American brethren. And it should have been a hit. The budgets for
Solomon Kane and
Dredd 3D were modest by Hollywood standards but large by ours. They showed daring and extravagance yet with both nosediving the chances of more of the same is roughly equivalent to those of Louis Walsh banging The Saturdays whilst surfing the sun on crystal meth. Instead, well revert back to those period pieces, war-time dramas and 60s comedies (all of which somehow feature Sienna Miller). Or worse, those sickening Richard Curtis comedies with Rowan Atkinson, Dawn French and Bill Nighy. Good God, think of the children!