3. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
There are some stories not fit for cinema. They can exist in novel form, comic form, and music form, but the moment you place them with a script longer than ten pages, they completely lose steam and fall flat on their face, attempting to pull the same jokes over and over, and hoping that the ludicrous story at hand keeps you entertained, when in fact, that's all it has to offer. It's a problem that many films have (Ted), and many films rarely succeed in overcoming (Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World). Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, by name alone, guarantees I'll buy a ticket. I would watch any celebrity or historical figure in that regard: Genghis Kahn: Witch Widower, Barry White: Poltergeist Powerhouse, Tony Danza: Alphabet Kicker, you name it, I'm in. For about six minutes. Then, I zone out. Because the title is the joke of the movie, and it's up to the duration of the film to provide an adequate punchline. See, before the movie came out, you could find
this online. If you didn't watch that, it's a short of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter for the book. It has no affiliation with the full-length film and I, personally, found it much more enjoyable. It's short, sweet, violent, and to the point. And, man, do I want to buy that book (I've yet to read it). But the plot is so juvenile that it gets me into the theater, but after my candy is gone, it leaves me restless and bored. The shine of these movies wears off not only thin, but quickly. It's sad, but true, that good ol'Honest Abe fell victim to a plot like this one.