5. Tales From The Crypt
No, not the Billy Zane version from the '90s but the classic 1972 Amicus film featuring 5 segments ripped from the pages of various EC Comics such as The Vault of Horror, The Haunt of Fear and of course, Tales From The Crypt. This film brought together the acting talents of Joan Collins, Peter Cushing, Roy Dotrice and Ralph Richardson as a very different Crypt Keeper than the one later portrayed in the HBO Tales FromThe Crypt series. The story begins with 5 people on a tour of a series of catacombs. Despite being warned about the dangers of wandering off, they soon find themselves separated from the tour group and confronted by the mysterious cryptkeeper who tells them tales of the evil they will do or perhaps have already done.
.....And All Through The House A tale so good, the HBO Tales FromThe Crypt remade it as one of their first episodes. It's Christmas Eve and Joan Collins has just murdered her husband for his insurance money. Upstairs her daughter is nestled in bed, oblivious to the bloody murder and dreaming of the arrival of Santa Claus. As Collins prepares her alibi, she hears a radio report of a murderer on the loose dressed as Santa Claus and soon realizes that he's at her door! Unable to call the police for fear of them discovering the murder, Collins barricades herself in the house, but failed to account for a little girl, eager to meet Santa Claus..... Despite the terrible blood effects (in some version it's actually purple, but in every version it looks like paint), the extremely 70s decor and a glaring plot hole (why doesn't she just blame the murder on the fake Santa and call the police?), Joan Collins does a great job in capturing the frantic emotions and actions of a woman backed into a corner and forced to confront the consequences of her actions.
Reflection of Death Carl Maitland (Ian Hendry) kisses his wife and children goodbye and swans off with his mistress. Nastymove Carl, but as tends to happen in these stories, he soon gets his comeuppance. As they drive off together, Maitland drifts off to sleep and the car crashes. He drags himself from the wreckage, but every attempt to get help ends with people running away from him in terror. Finally making his way back home, he sees his wife with another man and like everyone else he encounters, she screams at his appearance and flees in horror.... He discovers that 2 years have passed since the crash, but that is the least of his worries.... A Pretty predictable story whose "twist" you'll figure out pretty quickly, but considering the final fate of the main characters in this movies one has to ask the question, does Maitland really belong with this collection of murders, abusers and generally unsavory characters?
Poetic Justice
A truly classic performance from horror icon Peter Cushing is the highlight of Poetic Justice. Cushing's performance as garbage man Arthur Grimsdyke is heartbreaking and offers a different side of Peter Cushing then we are used to seeing on film. In real life, Cushing's wife Helen had recently died from emphysema and the actor was heartbroken and even said to have attempted to self induce a heart attack so that he could be reunited with his bride. The pain, loneliness and hurt he felt in real life is said to have informed his interpretation of this role and he truly makes Grimsdyke a sympathetic character for the ages. Edward and James Elliot believe that Grimsdyke's simple house, menagerie of animals and what they consider an inappropriate relationship with the neighborhood children is bringing down their property values and they want him GONE. Thus begins a campaign of ruining Grimsdyke's name (he's accused of being a potential child molester), taking away his unlicensed animals and getting him fired from his job. With everything taken from him, the final turn of the screw comes on Valentine's Day, when Grimsdyke receives a series of hateful and insulting Valentine's Day cards (supposedly from everyone in town, but actually written by his scheming neighbors). His heart breaks and Grimsdyke hangs himself. Grimsdyke offers up a cold dish of revenge one year later and shows that he also has flair for creepy rhymes....
Wish You Were Here A rip off of W.W Jacob's Monkey's Paw so blatant that the characters refer to the book repeatedly! The weakest segment of the movie, it features the longest set-up, the weakest punch line and some of the worst makeup in horror movie history. Ralph Jason (Richard Greene) is on the brink of bankruptcy and all of his shady business deals are coming back to haunt him. His wife Enid idly wishes that their Chinese Figurine promising 3 wishes to the owner was authentic and that she could receive a fortune to escape their woes. Moments later, Jason receives a call from his lawyer (Space:1999's Roy Dotrice) asking him to come to his office to receive good news. Here's where the movie takes a bad left turn. On his way to the office Jason is pursued by a motorcyclist wearing an EXTREMELY obvious skull mask, purchased perhaps from a local pharmacy. The car crashes and Jason is killed. His wife however stands to inherit a fortune from his life insurance! Realizing that she has 2 wishes left, she wishes for her husband to come back exactly the way he was before the accident but learns that it wasn't the car crash that killed him, it was a heart attack brought on by motorcycle riding skull face! She throws out her final wish asking that her husband be resurrected and that he will live forever. She hasn't thought it all through however....... Wish You Were Here is definitely the weakest link in this movie with an unoriginal story and gaping plot holes (Why doesn't she wish for more wishes? Given enough chances, she might figure this whole wishing thing out. Why doesn't she wish that she had never made her wishes? Why doesn't she give the statue to Roy Dotrice and let him have a crack at it? If she wished him back the way he was before he died, why the hell was he still embalmed?!?!?) Roy Dotrice in a bit role is great as always and the eerie pallbearers that deliver Jason's body at the end add some mystery and atmosphere to the proceedings.
Blind Alleys So you like tales of unsavory people getting their just desserts? This one ticks all the boxes to make a cracking karmic tale of retribution. A$$hole authority figure? Check. Downtrodden victims, suffering in dignity? Check. Revenge scheme so crazy it couldn't possibly work, yet somehow does? Check. Fitting and ironic end to the awful authority figure? Like Prego "it's in there." Major Rogers (Nigel Patrick) has just assumed "command" of a home for the blind and intends to use his military background to make the home more efficient and cut expenses. He cuts the heat at night, "You should all be in bed by then. After all, there is no reason for you to stay up you can't see anything." He cuts the food budget while he decorates his office lavishly and enjoys the fine dining all while saying classic lines like "What do you want? Can't you see I'm eating?" Yes....he says that to a collection of blind people. Classy. When he's not showing how caring and compassionate he can be, Rogers is setting his German Shephard on anyone who threatens or questions him. After one of the residents dies from the poor treatment, the blind men unite under the leadership of the always disturbing Patrick Magee and plot their revenge. They capture Rogers' dog and proceed to starve him. The trap Rogers in the basement for days, while outside he hears the sounds of hammering and something being built..... Nigel Patrick's Rogers is a villain you love to hate and simply can't wait to see him get what he has coming to him. Patrick Magee is his usual creepy self and from the beginning, it is clear that he is not the man to be trifled with.