3. A Lot Like Love
Some movies are often described as a "roller coaster ride" and have "A TWIST THAT YOU WILL NOT SEE COMING!!!". In comparison to those descriptions this is an exhilarating mobility scooter ride to an ending which asks "Will they?!", the answer to which is "Yes". Taken straight from IMDB - "On a flight from Los Angeles to New York, Oliver and Emily make a connection, only to decide that they are poorly suited to be together. Over the next seven years, however, they are reunited time and time again, they go from being acquaintances to close friends to ... lovers?". Never has there been a bigger insult to question marks, and question mark enthusiasts, than the end of that sentence. At the start of the movie Oliver (Ashton Kutcher) appears as a male model who happens to shop at Corduroy 'R' Us, with a camera so depressed it has hanged itself from his neck. He looks as comfortable in this role as a man with a hairy back wearing a particularly itchy Christmas jumper. It's clear from his clothing that he's a "nice guy" who is "sensitive" and a "virgin". Emily (Amanda Peet) takes one look at him and follows him into the toilets where, to borrow a phrase from many a literary great (MTV Cribs), the magic happens. This is to show that she's not concerned with appearances, and likes this male model for who he is underneath his cords. It takes 30 seconds of the movie for that question mark to become useless. They meet a few times over the next seven years, sometimes they have sex and sometimes they don't. Emily gets engaged, Oliver sings to her through a window and then they have sex again.I think. I'm not sure. Lots of things happen.
So why should guys secretly love this movie?
It appears that the movie is supposed to show us that love at first sight exists, that fate and destiny can play a huge part in our lives. That no matter how much you may want to get away from the person you slept with inside an aeroplane bathroom, they will have a Liam Neeson like set of skills and abilities which enable them to track you down, and that this is somehow romantic. The actual message is that no matter how dorky and goofy you may look, there's someone out there with low enough standards to seduce you in a public place. Not only that, they will then realise they love you - and it's completely acceptable for you to turn down their advances as many times as you like over the course of a decade, so that you may concentrate on your own life. Ten years later when you discover that nobody else has any interest in you, all you need do is turn up outside their house (where they live with their spouse-to-be) and warble a terrible one-chord love song at them through the window. So go ahead and wear your beige corduroy jacket, match it with some green schoolboy shorts and an Alan Rickman hair cut. Take awful macro photos of tree bark and act like it makes you a deep thinker. Learn one chord on the guitar and write a song about macro photos of tree bark and how that relates to your love for the person you've systematically scorned for 10 years. You will not end up alone! Someone out there is so desperate to despise themselves that they'll fall for all of this nonsensical rubbish. The final, most important message is - if you cut your hair, you will become a male model.