Rating: The multiplexes are full of sequels for obscure superheroes. The high street is dominated by t-shirts adorned with obscure movie references. The most watched TV show in the US is about a bunch of nerds. Yes, it sure looks like the geeks have inherited the Earth. Except they havent. The MCU and its ilk are slowly becoming less heterogeneous with each biannual release. Clothing is worn without a care for what it represents. And The Big Bang Theory has been laughing at, not with, its characters since Season 3. So, rather, the Earth has assimilated geek culture into the mainstream, sanitising it in the process. Nowhere is this better seen than with Pixels. Ostensibly an adaptation of a beautiful little short by Patrick Jean (check it out here - it doesnt deserve to have only a fraction of the views of the trailer for film its based on) where aliens invade Earth in the form of eighties video games, the movie has been retrofitted to be a cheery summer comedy that name-checks a whole host arcade mainstays, yet is aimed at an audience that, like a child in the film itself, thinks classic gaming is Halo and Call Of Duty. Ignoring the film's flat-out dismissal of twenty years of development in how geek culture is perceived - one grown-up gamer lives in his grandmas attic and laments that hell die a virgin - Pixels doesnt seem to care much about the medium its supposed to be infatuated with. Theres talk of the patterns that dominated 8-bit games, yet no sense of the passion that would necessitate such memory tricks. Cheat codes are used that make no sense in the gaming world, let alone real life. Q*bert speaks English. Adam Sandler rides one of the insta-kill Donkey Kong barrels. Oh yes, and thats the real problem. That the film willingly flaunts the logic of DK (right down to how the oddly-named ape is defeated) and breaks hard fast rules is bad, but it's really only systemic of the presence of its star. This is an Adam Sandler film at its core and every key problem stems for his hijacking of the project. Hes why the nerdy characters are treated as the punchlines of their own jokes. Hes why the story is paced to repeat the same plot beats (aliens attack in a restricted manner, Sandler vaguely homages a video game to take them down) over and over until we hit the two hour mark. Hes why not a single joke lands (OK, not quite - I smiled when Peter Dinklage commented that striking out with Martha Stewart would at least result in getting a panini). That's the sad, aggravating truth here. For all its trumpeting of being for the love of games, Pixels is just another Happy Madison production, only with CGI firefights replacing pissing deers and fart gags. As youd expect, none of the actors seem interested at all. People are deconstructed into pixels, yet scream less than if theyd just stood on a LEGO piece (a small, 1x1 brick at that) and actors you usually love (Sean Bean pops up to play what an American thinks Sean Bean would be like) are so lazy they're not even texting it in. Ironically, the only ones who actually fit their characters are Sandler and Kevin James (who, I sh*t you not, is playing the President of the United States), and thats because beneath their heroic outer shells theyre just playing themselves yet again. Its just boring, with the novel concept not mined at all for any real visual playfulness. In fact, most of the expensively remade events of Jeans film (and to the VFX departments credit the glowing pixelated beasts do look great) take place in the background while Josh Gad (every gamer stereotype ever) and Dinklage (a dwarf who is - shocker - a badass) scream and shoot lasers. Most attempts at visual flair just come across as base-level audience baiting. The film has been shot in 2.35:1, but is projected 4:3, meaning that at periodic intervals Q*berts snout can pop right out of the frame and remind everyone of the films 3D in a vain attempt to justify the surcharge. Ang Lee tried the same trick in Life Of Pi and just as unnecessarily irritating here. What I find more infuriating is that there is still the kernel of a good idea in Pixels. When the film ditches Sandlers shtick and goes for a fun, action-adventure (surely the pitch that Christopher Columbus signed on for) things almost slot into place. The climax of the Pac-Man sequence in particular feels like the fun, tense thrill ride this could have been before Sandler got his half-arsed teeth into it. Is Pixels the worst film ever made? No. Is the worst film of 2015? No. Is it the most cynical movie of the year so far? Hell no. What it is is a bland, boring, banal showcase of gaming from the standpoint of someone who walked past an arcade once. But what else did you expect? What did you make of Pixels? Agree with this review? Or do you love a bit of Sandler? Share your thoughts down in the comments.
