Best & Worst Valentine's Day Films For Singletons
What are the best movies for you to watch alone on Valentine’s Day? And what are the worst?
After spending the last 18 years of my life trapped in a self-imposed cocoon of perpetual loneliness (self-imposed meaning; Im a t**t) and the last few of which Ive been online pissing on other peoples happiness by posting self indulgent facebook statuses about consumerism, my right hand and a proposed axe wielding rampage (go check your news feed, I bet you will see a few of these) I was quite shocked to find myself NOT single this Valentines Day. Dont get me wrong, Im not a hypocrite, Valentines Day is a consumer funded parade of marketing piffle, however this parade of marketing piffle means I get three Batman Graphic Novels as gifts, so Im not going to complain. However the bitter tang of past loneliness on Valentines Day still resonates with me; as bull as it is, it does affect you seeing happy couples make a show of themselves in front of you, its disgustingly galling. Therefore I thought I wouldnt leave my former brothers of crymaxing behind and give you the best advice I possibly could (besides a link to eHarmony): What are the best movies for you to watch alone on Valentines Day? And what are the worst?
BEST: PULP FICTION
Who is it best for: Men Why: Although not a great advertisement for keeping the company of men (as this film would have you believe you spend a standard day talking about burgers, getting shot at, talking about burgers, having unfortunate hair, talking about burgers, getting anally sodomised in a basement and talking about burgers) but its a worse advertisement for the keeping of female company. Why? Fabienne. If there is ever a confirmation that single life is better than being with a woman its the over top annoyingness of this character. How Bruce Willis does it is beyond me, as she is enough to confirm to men that women can be too annoying to comprehend a relationship with. Lets face it men, you would rather spend Valentines day alone eating Ben & Jerrys and having a bubble bath than even trying to spend it with her; and women like her. She isnt the only example in this film; Mia Wallace is hardly a seller of female company. As a standard night with her will require stabbing her in the chest with a needle that could floor a rhino, now I dont know about you, but thats more effort than I would like to have to handle.
WORST: 27 DRESSES
Who is it worst for: Women Why: I am not a woman (despite what might be suggested on some of my facebook pictures) but Ive watched enough romantic comedies and been around girls enough to know what line of patronising rhetoric is spouted to the single ones in the group. Oh you will meet someone soon! Aww bless her, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Now how thrilled a single woman must be to discover this film, an embodiment of all of those things! That its ok to be single, you dont need to rush to find men; a great testimony to the strength of female independence in a slowly lessening mans world. Then she goes and (SPOILER ALERT) gets married. Turning off her relateability and sending the engaged single female into a spiral of rapid hatred for Katherine Heigl. Not only is she happy (the bitch) but she has married to ensnare a journalist hunk in James Marsden. When in reality the only good looking journalist you may find will also have a soul so black and big it nearly engulfed the Enterprise in Star Trek (2009) and the normal ones have a face more akin to Ron Perlmans. All in all, its a galling watch.
BEST: SCOTT PILGRIM vs THE WORLD
Who is it best for: Men & Women Why: If ever there is a symbol that love is just too much effort its this energy packed Edgar Wright flick. Whose neck breaking energy and meticulous effort is a symbol for what makes love an off putting experience as you have to return those characteristics in a way to ensnare the heart of flighty and baggage piled women (Hello Ramona Flowers) and also is a testimony to the vengeful qualities of men who are willing to spend 2 hours (2. HOURS!) hamstringing your relationships for the foreseeable future. Now, excuse me sounding like a Meat Loaf ballad, but I would do a lot of things for love, but fight Chris Evans? Have a music off with two creepy Asian twins? Be friends with a Culkin? I, and I think you will find a lot of other men wouldnt either (including Meat Loaf), wont do that. On the female side of matters, this film questions whether the years of seething resentment that will follow your unsuccessful relationships from men is worth it, when you throw in potential violence and mind control, the thought just becomes downright unpleasant. And enough to quantify on a single valentines day that being single, is definitely beneficial. WORST: MISS CONGENIALITY
Who is it worst for: Women Why: Now Im going to ask for an excusing of the casual use of clichés and stereotypes that I am using because, frankly, the crafting of three dimensional characters for a fluff piece on a website which will only get read so that people can criticise me in the comments section is more effort than I am willing to give. Which leads me to Miss Congeniality. Who bitter, lonely women can hold up as a terrible watching experience on Valentines Day. We meet Sandra Bullock as a (supposedly) unattractive female character for our lonely, Valentines sick audiences to scoff at, empathise with and roundly say Well, at least Im not her. Then the film goes and ruins this audience gratifying angle by turning her into a beauty queen and turning the last hour of the film into a beauty filled vanity parade. When youre single the last thing you want is seeing people look better than you; and this film is the ultimate display of this. Its sickening. And does what Valentines Day adverts make you feel every day, make you feel bitter, angry and alone.
BEST: TITANIC
Who is it best for: Men Why: This film requires 3 hours of will to sit through its sickening air of loveliness and happiness for a single man to truly get the I dont need relationships gratification from it. That comes in earnest in the finale though, being an ultimate testimony to relationships not being worth the hassle when Kate Winslet shows that within every female is an ice queen ready to cold heartedly leave you to die in the middle of the Atlantic. After all the effort you go through, liberating her from her forced marriage, showing her new realms of sexual pleasure and genuinely saving her life. She still doesnt deem you worthy of saving and then leaves and marries someone else. Leo must be there at the bottom of the ocean thinking, Was it worth it? And its that idea which gives men the feeling that they would rather spend their lives in a relationship with a laptop then drowning, cold and unloved, in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. WORST: (500) DAYS OF SUMMER
Who is it worst for: Men and Women Why: This film, on the face of it, may look like a brilliant film for a single person to watch on Valentines Day. Man falls in love; man gets heart utterly destroyed by a soul sucking ice queen. Brilliant! We dont need relationships! They only end badly! But take it from me, as a person who watched this film in his darkest of lonely periods, it does nothing but ruin you. The optimistic ending SPOILER ALERT (in which Tom, through fate, meets another girl) does not only ruin the tone of misery that made you so happy on a lonely Valentines Day, but messes you up from then on. As you spend the following few weeks assuming that the next person you see you are meant to be with, when actually that isnt true. The crushing reality is that not every semi-attractive member of the opposite sex you see from 50 yards away is destined to fall in love with you. A reality this film doesnt give you, and is a terrible single persons film because of it. BEST: THE DEPARTED
Who is it best for: Women Why: This film is not a great advertisement for men, and if you are a woman who thinks you need a man in your life take into account the men in this film, who parade around being sneaky, backstabbing, shooting others, having delusions of grandeur, and even more harrowingly, dodgy Irish accents. This film is such a put off to relationships with men that it actually makes me straighter watching it, as it appears that all you will get from a relationship with a man is a series of funerals to go to, cocaine covered bed sheets and an illegitimate child. A series of events so strong and unfortunate in nature that it actually makes me want to break up with my girlfriend as all I will ever be able to give her is a lifetime of successive romantic disappointments (...No penis jokes please). WORST: AMERICAN PIE
Who is it worst for: Men Why: This is a no brainer really. The fact of the matter is; if youre single. Youre not having a lot of sex. (And no, Peggy Sue from Rudolphs Rubber Emporium does not count.) The last thing you need in this state of mind is a film which shows a group of the most unappealing men successfully having intercourse with real females. Both preposterous and galling in equal measure, you will spend the entire time thinking Why are there no women who find Jims premature ejaculation sexy out there for me? (...Again, no jokes about me please). Despite the rather heart warming message that Yes, anyone can have sex. Unless you crave sexually experimental band geeks its a hollow victory for a film that does nothing but confirm how alone you are on this Valentines Day. So, what will you be watching and not watching this Valentines Day? Leave a comment below!