Biggest Films Of 2013 – The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones

Clary Fray (Lily Collins) in MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES. Wake up world! Quickly now! There is danger ahead! I don€™t care for your alcohol-induced headaches and post-regrettable coitus small talk, we have a grand problem. Whilst you were out celebrating a world without Twilight our fateful enemy, the Hollywood executives, have been plotting another evil plan to destroy everything we gained from Twilight€™s ending: happiness, a will to live, the freedom to never be forced to care about Kristen Stewart again has been threatened by this most dangerous of foes. It is, of course, another teenage book adaptation involving demons, demon hunters, vampires, werewolves and all too much familiarity. Grab the can food, we€™re heading for the sewers.

What Could Be Awesome About It:

I have the quite well educated stool to stand on in this instance as I actually read this book in a dark part of my youth filled with Paramore, All Time Low and reading the same books as girls to get them to like me. It didn€™t work. Life goes on. Whilst unfavourable Twilight comparisons have been made (by me) and will continue to be made (probably by me), The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones is a more visceral, well-paced affair than the first Twilight movie and offers the potential for a really slick visual style to be incorporated. The source material gives the freedom for this to be more teen/dark/punk than teen/grey/stupid and a proper appraisal of this could give us the first bearable teen franchise since... well, a long time ago. Furthermore it has Robert Sheehan in it, who I adore, although the character in the book isn€™t particularly comical. If he's given a comedic edge it could really give this franchise a sense of self-awareness and humour that other franchises do not possess.

What Could Suck About It:

I said the source material gives this film the potential for a visually luscious piece of teen-punk cinema (whatever that is), the trailer however chooses to ignore this. Whilst hope can still be saved for the rest of the film, the first images aren€™t breeding much hope that this won€™t be another throwaway teen flick with a throwaway love story and a whole host of things we just want to throw away. Another of my "what could be awesome" tags looks to be evaporating away in to thin air as the filmmakers have clearly chosen heightened sense of teenage melodrama over a more fish out of water, girl discovering new world, which then descends in to a more sinister tale. Throwing the sinister in from the beginning and daring you to complain about the impending sense of dredd. Whilst more trailers, footage, posters and indeed the film are to come to prove me wrong: so far The City Of Bones looks like a City of Missed Opportunities as it hugs annoyingly to the genre clichés of a genre whose clichés everyone would like to beat to death with a stick made out of its own skin. Check out the trailer here:

Predicted Star Rating: 2/5

Will this be Twilight done well? No. It will be Twilight done like Twilight with added Robert Sheehan career ruining thrown in on top. Thank you Hollywood Executives, thank you very much. I'll just sit here and eat my canned food in the meantime. For more musings on the coming year in cinema, please follow these links: Gangster Squad, Oblivion, Iron Man 3, The Great Gatsby, Star Trek Into Darkness, Man Of Steel.
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One time I met John Stamos on a plane - and he told me I was pretty.