1. Poacher - Anaconda
Remember what I said in the intro about straddling that line between good and ridiculous? Well, this film fell off the camp fun tightrope and into a pit of mediocrity. Really, it should be great it's a monster movie about a goddamned giant snake murderising everything. However, it's like the IKEA of plot summaries it looks simple and effective, but in reality setting it all up is deceptively tricky. Convoluted metaphor aside, a film about a giant killer snake could've been so much more. As it is, it's a bit of a letdown, even in schlock terms. Yet of course, where there's schlock, there's Trejo. I suppose I might be using him to blast the film, but he's kind of the embodiment of everything that's wrong with the whole thing. He only lasts the prologue before dying one of his varied filmic deaths which must rival Sean Bean for volume and variety (seriously, the guy gets crushed by a Michael Myers-wielding TV in Halloween) but much like everything in this film, it could be so much better. The aesthetic and shooting is of porn quality, Trejo is as wooden as he's ever been and tragically, the fact this is a PG-13 means we don't get to see the hideously-realised Anaconda do any real damage. All it does is knacker some floorboards, force an awful 'nail-flying-up-in-the-air shot (seriously, it's the worst slo-mo you'll ever see) and generally shake the Wendy House set. We don't even get to see Trejo get crushed and eaten, which is a shame considering the cornucopia of imaginative deaths he's experienced over the years. Seriously, look below and behold all else he's suffered. I ask you, why couldn't the same happen here?