ECLIPSE Marketing Bores Me To Tears

In my mind, there is nothing more pathetically limp than the "Twilight" series. Boring action, boring romance, boring heroine, boring hero, boring direction, boring storyline. How are people actually interested in this shit? Girls still squeal over any glimpse of Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, or Kellan Lutz after two films; no man is so good looking that it can excuse a continual lack of life or chemistry or sense in the films. And Pattinson is far from the best looking guy in the world. Now even the marketing for the films is getting lazy. The newest poster for the upcoming Eclipse film shows almost no imagination, emotion, energy, or thought. The poster, like the others in the series, simply has some or all of the characters standing there, expressionless, as they stare back at the camera. How creative! The team behind this masterpiece clearly spent many hours rearranging photographs of the leads in Photoshop to come up with such a bold visual statement. They have a long career ahead of them advertising coffins. Look at this ridiculous poster. Concentrate on the blank nothingness of Kristen Stewart's face; pale, droopy, hung-dog. She has spent two entire movies moping like a three year old with very poor posture. She has all the charm of a cold cum rag. While I understand that her character, Bella, is supposed to be misunderstood and separated from normal social circles, Stewart plays her like a suicidal sloth on quaaludes. Surely there must be a way for Stewart to make Bella even slightly believable or interesting. If I was Edward, I would throw myself onto the nearest wooden stake rather than spend five minutes in her presence. Surrounding Stewart in the poster are the two "romantic leads" of the film. Pattinson, pale white, looks like a chemotherapy patient who has spent several years vacationing at the bottom of the ocean by himself. The look on his face suggests that he's trying to pass a large object out of his rectum. Meanwhile, Lautner stands on the other side like several pounds of hamburger meat stuffed into a tight shirt. He's demonstrating "The Lautner," the standard pose he's employed for all photos and television appearances: head slightly down, eyes bearing straight ahead, blank mouth. He's the male model equivalent of Stonehenge. But let's get back to the issue of poor, romantic Edward - has there ever been a more whispery, droning love interest in the history of recorded thought? Edward has been mulling over the idea of loving Bella for two fucking movies!!! And he still can't figure out what to do! Edward is like some sort of asexual eunuch, sterilized and sanitized of any and all personality. He has been mumbling into Bella's ear forever about how terrible it would be to convert her to vampirism ... then fucking leave, dumbass!! And if your love for her drippiness is too great to abandon, then just fucking bite her ass and finish the damned thing! Fans of the books/films doubtless believe that this is dramatic buildup; I say that it makes Edward the least potent love interest of all time. And, like Edward, nobody in this entire series does ANYTHING except have endless conversations about the same damned topic. The entire Twilight "saga" could have been written on half of a wet cocktail napkin: "Edward the vampire loves Bella too much to make her one." See? It's just that simple. But if author Stephenie Meyer had done that, then we would have missed out on this scintillating scene released from the imagination-free idiots of the Eclipse marketing department. Get a fresh change of underwear ready for this jaw-dropping glimpse at the romance and sexual chemistry coming to theaters this summer:

WOW. I'm all wet between my legs. Frankly it would be sexier to be fucked by a cadaver's cock than endure that "hot" scene ever again. Although dead-in-the-water, the marketing for the Twilight series has perfectly represented the films - vapid, emotionally empty, romantically incompetent, and free of rational thought or imagination. These films and the marketing for them have all the resonance of Tiger Beat magazine. They basically trade in underaged porn. I'm just going to say this for the record right now: any human that is personally or emotionally invested in this series is in serious need of psychological help. They need to masturbate more often, go outside once in a while, engage in actual human behavior every few weeks, and perhaps even look into medication. Seriously. The next twelve year old girl I see screaming about Twilight is going to get punched in the face and told to grow up. I don't care that she's a child or a girl. It's for her own good.
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All you need to know is that I love movies and baseball. I write about both on a temporary medium known as the Internet. Twitter: @rayderousse or @unfilteredlens1 Go St. Louis Cardinals!