Friday The 13th: Ranking Every Movie From Worst To Best
9. Friday The 13th (2009)
The original writer, Victor Miller, has often talked about the fact that the 'T&A' in the first film was there because he wanted it in. Well, he must have been really pleased with this Platinum Dunes remake because, apart from the two Final Girls, not one female character manages to keep her top on before being hacked apart. Like most of the Michael Bay induced horror remakes, it feels out-dated, flat and, well, boring.
Director Marcus Nispel had already screwed with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre when he arrived at Camp Crystal Lake and manages to condense the first film into the first two minutes before Part II is broken down into the ten minute prologue. It then takes a primary character from Part IV in Clay Miller, who is Rob Dier by any other name, who is searching for his sister, and throws him into the forest.
Obviously, a lot of the films in this franchise are a bit messy, that's their strange saving grace, but here the piece is so methodically and calculatingly created that it just feels nasty. For a horror film to work, like the ones higher up in this list, you need sympathetic characters. Nispel and the two screenwriters fail to give us this. We have the detestable rich boy Trent and such a ridiculous crew of teenagers that it's hard to root for any of them. We also have random horrible characters dropped in only to die a few moments later. Again, this is typical in this franchise but compare the repugnant farmhand licking a porn magazine to the hippie girl thumbing a lift in Part IV. Small parts both but one is horrible, the other you feel for even if you don't know her.
There's not much to say about this remake because it's just got a nasty air to it. Just witness Arlen Escarpeta's rap artist Lawrence being killed in a woodpile and you get the idea. Derek Mears makes little impact as Jason and it really is only Jared Padalecki as Clay Miller who keeps the film going. The movie was a big hit, grossing $91million worldwide, but the negative response has killed further films dead. At least from Platinum Dunes. Thank God.