Gareth on The Wit & Wisdom of Malcolm Tucker

On 17th April 2009, (today!) one of the greatest comedy characters ever created makes his triumphant return to our screens as Machiavellian spin doctor Malcolm €˜The Enforcer€™ Tucker is set loose on the big screen with the release of In the Loop.

thethickofit460In the Loop is, for all intents and purposes, a big screen version of the greatest British comedy in recent memory The Thick of It. One of the prime reasons for it's greatness is Alastair Campbell based godfather of spin, the brilliantly sweary Malcolm Tucker played by Peter Capaldi in a performance for which he deserves award after award. To honour the release of In the Loop, Tucker€™s return and to celebrate the recent announcement from creator Armando Iannucci that The Thick of It will also indeed be returning - hopefully by the year€™s end, I decided to put together a list of Malcolm€™s greatest moments form the first season of The Thick of It and the two subsequent specials that we were treated to, and in the process hopefully try and highlight some of the wit and wisdom that this great man has to instil in us all. So to quote the man himself €œCome the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off€€ and enjoy€
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you: €œHe€™s as useless as a marzipan dildo€ €œHe€™s a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie€™s biro€ €œFeet off the furniture you Oxbridge twat€€ €œExcellent. You win a year€™s supply of condoms, which in your case is four€€ €œ€And what did that sandal wearing nonce have to say€?€ €œThat is not fucking funny you retard€€ €œI€™m really sorry, you won€™t hear anymore swearing from us, YOU. MASSIVE. GAY. SHITE. FUCK OFF!€ €œCliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?€ €œI'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have type 2 diabetes.€ €œI€™m sorry mate but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head! €And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it's terrible€ All this, hands are all over the place€ You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work€€ €œDon't start with the moral objections, you fucking €˜Blue Peter€™ badge wearing ponce... Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat that a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me...€ €œWhat you doing out your Petri dish€?€ €œOkay twat weasel, you got that€?€ €œDon't you ever, ever, call me a bully€ I'm so much worse than that€: €œ€Because, you know, if she did that she€™d be dead to me, to this department, to the government and she€™d never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story so long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster€€ €œWe€™re gonna get this tosser€ Don€™t you worry €“ he€™ll be at The Sport photo-shopping the tits of €˜Hollyoaks€™ extras by the end of the month.€ €œYou have got 24 hours to sort out your policy€ Or you€™re for the Halal Butchers€€ €œ€That way we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt€™s Cornflakes€ Sadly, only metaphorically.€ €œYou€™re gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollope in the stocks€€ Olly: €œShe€™s not my girlfriend Malcolm€€ Malcolm: €œWell you won€™t mind if I kill her then will you€?€ €œYou tell your corporate affairs people, otherwise I€™m going to come along there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them€€ €œJulius Nicholson, right, blue sky thinker, ex-business guru, dog rapist€ He€™s been a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze this department so hard that you€™ll be lucky if you€™re left with one bollock between the three of you€€ €œDid you ever travel 100mph head first through a tunnel filled with pig shit because that€™s what€™s going to happen to you tonight€€ €œI will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? €And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what it means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, ok€?€ €œWhat happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy. And with less warmth€€ €œIf you don't go and get me some cheese, I€™m gonna rip your head off and give you a spinedectomy€€ €œStop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it€€ Malcolm on Malcolm: €œI booked you in for the usual soapy tit wank farewell at number 10€ €œI€™m connected, I€™m plugged into the matrix, I am the matrix!€ €œI can only cook with what I€™ve been given, you know, it€™s like €˜Ready, Steady, Cook€™, you give me Hugh Abbot I€™ll give you bangers and mash€ But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well, then I can raise it to a fucking risotto and scallops.€ €œNoMFuP €“ N.O.M.F.P. Not my fucking problem€€ Olly: I didn€™t want to interrupt you; I never know what you€™re doing€€ Malcolm: Yeh, well if the PM€™s giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.€ €œThere€™s nothing you know that I don€™t know, I'm Doctor fucking know€€ €œFuck you, Andy-Pandy, I AM the loop.€ Other Miscellaneous Profanity: €œWe put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle€€ €œThat door is staying as open as a fat whore€™s bone hole€€ €œHow much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavour is it!?€ €œWhat€™s the story in Bala-fucking-mory€?€ Malcolm: €œI€™m gonna have a swear box installed on Monday by the way€€ Hugh: €œWhat€?€ Malcolm: €œI€™m fucking joking you twat€€ €œI guess that means that you€™re standing in the chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.€
So there you have it: proof that we can all learn something from Malcolm Tucker, if you would like more of his enlightening insights In the Loop opens Friday 17th April 2009 and a new series of The Thick of It is expected on the BBC in late 2009.
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