HARRY POTTER And The Alternative History of Movie Kisses

With the so-called "most anticipated kiss in history" about to hit screens, WhatCulture offers an irreverent, alternative guide to on-screen kissing...

So Emma Watson has some lofty ideas. She quite recently spoke to a British tabloid paper - The Mirror in fact - about the scene in the final film in the wizarding series - Harry Potter &The Deathly Hallows Part II - in which her on-screen alter-ego Hermione and Ron finally seal the deal with a kiss:
I think that's like the most anticipated kiss in history. We've been building tension to this moment for like eight movies.
I mean come on, I'm one of the biggest Harry Potter fans in the world - seriously, my facebook picture for the last two years was me done up as Harry - and I love most of what has been done with the film franchise, but the most anticipated kiss in history? Surely not. I mean, off the top of my head I can think of a good few kisses I'd prefer to see again before I actually see Hermione kiss Ron (and no, it's not all just about jealousy), so with that in mind I took to my well-worn keyboard and started rambling this article out, intent on sharing those kisses with the world, and forming an alternative history of movie kisses before Deathly Hallows Part Two hits scenes at the end of this week. But first, I remember when kissing on screen was innocent: when a man with perfectly oiled hair took a woman into his protecting arms and fiercely rubbed his moustache on her face, not content until her top lip was bleeding. And this was usually in response to some sort of argument. Ah, those were the days... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaeGa0RAg5s Not like your kisses these days, with Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows topless kiss between Hermione and Harry representing a new level of debauchery for what is ostensibly a kid's film. I mean, look at it - it's pure filth. http://youtu.be/UjR94knGO_c Deep breath. Just need a moment to compose myself. Right, so, anyway, without further ado I promised you a list of the best alternative kisses from the Hollywood annals, so here goes:

Planet of the Apes: Colonel George Taylor & Dr Zira

Err hang on, that's basically just a monkey you're kissing there Charlton. And she's got a better beard than you have. Here it is, for some reason paused gratuitously at the golden moment. What worries me most about this clip is the horribly perverted response from that other monkey fella. http://youtu.be/gEp7yunwVF8

Dumb & Dumber: Lloyd & Mary

Now that's how you kiss. Seriously, this is where I actually learned how to kiss. http://youtu.be/xN1dMQBWBt0

There's Something About Mary: Magda & Puffy

No video for this one, which is probably a good thing.

Cruel Intentions: Kathryn & Cecile

http://youtu.be/vz5j-ssiTl0 Holy Shit, did you see that string of spit?! What? You thought there was another reason for my inclusion of this watershed point in my own personal history of cinematic kisses? Shame on you!

Spiderman 2: Spidey & MJ

Within the blink of an eye, MJ (Kirsten Dunst) forgets entirely that she was about to be raped by four of the worst actors in the history of the world and happily indulges in a spot of upside down superhero smooching. It's important because it's like upside down. http://youtu.be/oSa7-jLP8SQ

American Pie 2: Jim & Stiffler

It isn't that it's man on man action - I mean this is a liberated world, after all - it's more the set-up and the hilarious execution. There's not an ounce of romance in there, and the sheer disgust on both parties' faces is just exquisitely funny. Watch out for the swears in here if you're of a nervous disposition. In fact, if that sounds like you maybe just skip the whole thing. http://youtu.be/bpg4w-ShX-M And finally, a special one for all you romantics...

Jackass 3D: Preston Lacy & Bob


WhatCulture's former COO, veteran writer and editor.