In Cinemas: Mike splashes himself with HOLY WATER but still feels kinda dirty

In the same week that Youth in Revolt comes out, someone has seen fit to offer us a stark alternative to the indie-esque comedy genre. What they're showing us, however, scares me to death in a way that the ghost of Christmas past would be proud of. For you see, Holy Wateris an old-school romp that plays the image of the Irish scallywag to its fullest extent. Or to put it differently, stretches it close to breaking point. Set in a small Irish town (it was actually filmed in Devon, on the South coast of England, and you tell from most of the accents) the films follows a simple postman, cleaner in a run-down hotel, mechanic and labourer are sick of achieving nothing, having no-one and getting nowhere. They resolve that they cannot take any more, and decide to plan a daring heist that could see them set up for life. What is it that these underdog heroes are planning, do I hear you ask? Is it the classic bank job? A safety deposit box full of diamonds perhaps? Nope, it's a lorry full of viagra that these lads decide will make them rich. I feel I should warn you that, despite its appearance, this isn't a heist movie, oh no. There's a lot more in store than just some plucky fellas trying to rob the man against the odds. There's the little matter of all of the sex humour that's to be had when there's Viagra around. Better still, sex jokes with shrivelled old Irish villagers. And this level of humour is maintained throughout this painful affair, with the range of gags extending from the classic cross-dressing nun to three stooges physical comedy, all supplemented with plenty of puns and a few flashes of hairy arses. OoOooh Matron! By the way, did I mention that Linda Hamilton is in here too? It turns out that although ex-hubby James Cameron declined to secure her a plum role in his latest blockbuster jaunt, she has gotten herself a prime role here as an American mercenary hired by Viagra-producer Pfizer to find out what happened to its precious shipment. (Cue random selection of Terminator jokes). It's got to be a career low-point, even for an actress whose career has largely consisted of collecting her benefit cheques from the dole office. Or whatever the American equivalent may be. Perhaps I'm being a bit too bilious with what is basically an affable, if uninspired, comedy. But the fact remains that we are no longer in the 1970s. Just as I no longer expect 3D films to require my wearing a crappy piece of cardboard embellished with red and blue plastic, and prefer my sound to be surround rather than stereo, I like my jokes to have a little more to them than your standard sex romp. There was a time and a place for them, they were done, and if I want to revisit them a majority are available on DVD. There was no need for another. And certainly not one that humiliates a woman who graced the screen in arguably one of the finest action franchises ever made. Not to mention its humiliation of the Irish; they've been targeted with enough bad jokes already, lets not make matters worse... Holy Water is on limited U.K. cinema release from today.