1. Harley Davidson - Harley Davidson And The Marlboro Man (1991)
Chances are you have never heard of Harley Davidson And The Marlboro Man. We envy you. We envy you with the fiery passion of a thousand infinitely disappointing suns. A critical and financial failure, earning only $7 million at the domestic box office, it was a total flop on every count. Once again, Mickey Rourke's starring role was just a single component in a crappy tapestry, but it was a significant component. He was the star, after all, playing the titular Harley Davidson (guess what - he's a biker!) who teams up with Don Johnson's Marlboro Man to rob a bunch of banks to pay for their pal's various financial woes - all Robin Hood like - until they accidentally steal a batch of Super Crystal Meth and start being hunted down by heavily armed assassins. Hired by a bank. And all of this in the far-flung apocalyptic future of 1996! Yes, a film made in 1991 thought that the world would have turned into a lawless, biker-strewn society in the space of just five years. That's just one of countless terrible decisions made in the process of producing this awful excuse for cinema, which also counts a cheesy country western soundtrack, some terrible costumes and naming a film "Harley Davidson And The Marlboro Man" amongst its crimes. Oh and making Mickey Rourke turn in one of the worst acting performances of his career, if not the worst. Wait, no, definitely the worst, that's why it's the top of this list. Rourke and Johnson are superbly lacking in chemistry, despite the intention being that they be a sort of modern Butch and Sundance. They barely even scrape Tango and Cash. Or Smokey and the Bandit, and one of them's an inanimate object. It's a thoroughly charmless, dull and stupid film, and the performances all match that. Which means that an actor who is capable of bringing to live some of the most memorable characters (and perverts) in cinema history is reduced to being a boring jerk on a motorcycle. With a weird face.
Tom Baker is the Comics Editor at WhatCulture! He's heard all the Doctor Who jokes, but not many about Randall and Hopkirk. He also blogs at http://communibearsilostate.wordpress.com/
