MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D : Hell Yeah!

It's tempting to say 'they don't make them like this anymore' about MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D, but that would not strictly be true. Firstly, they do make them like this, there are a lot of gory slasher remakes that attempt to revisit the fun of horrors before they became template nonsense with no imagination (excluding the recent output from Asia that's been so heavily cannibalised by the West). Secondly, in some ways they never did make movies like this. That's right, I'm actually saying this 80's slasher remake is ORIGINAL! And here's why: Back in the 80s horrors were two things: concept and character based. Films had reached a peak with the riotous imagination of characters like Freddy Krueger, Jason and Michael Myers and the orgiastic scare-fests of movies like POLTERGEIST and THE EXORCIST. They had evolved as cleverer, more technologically savvy versions of B-movie classics that combined the joyous fear of an otherworldly monster with all of the might that the height of technology could muster. However, from here the story turns a little sour. To trump these things, directors tried to get clever. Essentially SCREAM messed it all up. In realising what it was that had made horror great, directors spawned a series of films that mimicked the format of these great 80s giants and Wes Craven saw a pattern emerge. He exploited this to great effect in SCREAM, but in so doing created the postmodern horror that forced so many future horror movie makers to think a lot about their craft. Psychological horrors became prevalent, as did slashers with messed up heros. ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE is a perfect example: it's stylised, it's cool and it's violent. But why should the villain be a lovesick schoolboy instead of a fucked up cannibal who wears skin? I know who I think is scarier! Which leads me back to my point. What MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D does is return to that zenith, resurrecting a seemingly indestructible villain to wreak havoc in the modern day. But, more than that, it takes us on an alternative history of horror. A history where directors said 'screw this psychological bullshit, I'm in this for the ride', and one where 3-D actually realised it's rich potential. The plot is absurd, and descends into an almost TWIN PEAKS-esque supernatural whodunnit by the end, and the acting is awful. Those guys just stood around and announced their line. But then a guy throws a pickaxe at your face - IN 3-D! And then he rips someone's jaw off and it flies at your face - IN 3-D! What we have is simple slasher fun at it's zenith, I'm absolutely convinced that the pickaxe is the ideal weapon for a 3-D horror. There's so much that can be done, and believe me it's all done here. So mark my words readers, no matter how much you can pick this movie apart when it's done, there's no way you won't enjoy it. This is theme park 3-D at its finest, it's Disneyland without the queues, it's the start of an alternative genealogy for horror. In short: go see it, it rules!