Ray Doesn't Fall Down The Rabbit Hole For ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Oh dear. Fifteen years ago, the words "Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland" would've inspired eunuchs to ejaculate. At that moment in his career, Burton had his trademark visual flair married to a sense of character and story. While I doubt that Burton would have remained true to the original books, he probably would have tried to to keep the focus on the titular character and her story. Unfortunately, it is not fifteen years ago. The Burton of today, now reduced to a fat-cat idiot savant, cares only about upping the special effects in order to achieve a sort of ceaseless blast of art direction. One could argue that Burton always had a problem with story, and his fantastical drawings/designs were the centerpiece of his films. But films like Edward Scissorhands and Beetlejuice never felt that way. They came off as character-driven stories with very eccentric art direction. Burton's latest, Alice In Wonderland, feels like it's the rock-bottom of Burton's creative downward spiral. Mia Wasikowska stars as Alice, a 19 year old Victorian-era lady who is about to be arranged in marriage to a chinless idiot. Alice sees a white rabbit disappear in a hole in the ground, she follows, and into Wonderland (here referred to as Underland) she goes. There, she becomes embroiled in the war between the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) and the White Queen (Anne Hathaway), and she helps rally the odd denizens of Underland, including the Mad Hatter, to fight for their freedom. What? That doesn't sound like the story you remember? That's because Burton and screenwriter Linda Woolverton (who really should find another profession) have made those previous adventures a dream that a very young Alice recalls. By the time Alice reaches 19, she's entirely forgotten her earlier experience in Wonderland. So this film spends an eternity re-introducing Alice to all of the loony characters in Wonderland Underland. Burton gets some of these characters (mostly) right. Tweedledee and Tweedledum - two of my least favorite characters from the original - are done well enough here as essayed by Matt Lucas, who plays both. The CGI involved to give them flabby life feels realistic, and the banter is fine (although quite reminiscent of Lewis Carroll's books). I was also quite impressed with the look and sound of the Cheshire Cat. Stephen Fry does a nice job giving the Cat a dry, egotistical tone to his line delivery. Alan Rickman also shows up as the Caterpillar, his voice dripping with Rickman's typical disdain. But everything else is a mess. Alice is turned into some sort of feminist, self-empowerment guru, and her whining and platitudes disn't sit well with me. The White Queen is a blandishment. Crispin Glover is thoroughly smothered by CGI as the Knave of Hearts to the point of inconsequence. But the worst atrocities come from actors who, at this point, should know better than this. Carter is horrible as the Red Queen, overacting yet again. Her character in the books made for a fairly one-note villain, her catchphrase "Off With Their Heads!" being her sole characteristic. So Woolverton and Burton give the Red Queen all kinds of silly business in between head chopping along the lines of the pig belly crap seen in some of the trailers. The CGI used to enlarge Carter's head works beautifully. If only they could have simultaneously shrunk Carter's performance into something less freakishly cartoonish at the same time. Speaking of freakishly cartoonish, Johnny Depp needs a serious sabbatical from Burton films. Like perhaps forever. Depp sinks the film with his Mad Hatter, a ridiculous-looking creature with changing accents and very precious mannerisms. Previous versions of the character had a fairly normal looking man (in an oversized top hat) spouting nonsense, which did, of course, make his character even more unnerving and strange. Here, Depp's Hatter is so repulsive looking and bizarre that we expect nothing else but absurdity from him, which then undercuts the effect. Depp is allowed to overact dreadfully, showing emphatically that this once-promising actor has lost his way ever since he hit paydirt with the Pirates films nine ago. An awful performance. And I say that without mentioning the breakdancing part at the end, one of the most embarrassing things since Peter Parker disco danced in Spiderman 3. But if anything can explain how wrong-headed Burton's film is, it's this: the Mad Hatter has a backstory. And, much like Willy Wonka from Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, that backstory is STUPID and UNNECESSARY. Burton has the mistaken idea that being a "real" storyteller involves explaining every last detail of every character. The script is a complete failure. The only reason Burton and Woolverton made Alice 19 is to appeal to the teen market, and the script contortions to explain and re-explain this plot device are exhausting. Alice can't remember anything about her previous visit ... until she needs to. It also allows Woolverton to lift dialogue from the books without having to do a continuation of Alice's relationship with these characters. Then, Burton and Woolverton take these whimsical, one dimensional characters and toss them into a plot about prophecies and ultimate battles and epic quests. For anyone above the age of fetus who has any understanding of the books or the original story, that idea is ludicrous. Alice is not a warrior. She should not be in full armour battling a giant Jabberwock at the end of the film. Burton and Woolverton are simply trying to appeal to the Lord of the Rings crowd in an attempt to justify the massive budget wasted on this thing. You can almost hear Burton saying: hey guys, seriously, this movie isn't for kids! It's got action and epic battles! Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Burton's once-fanciful visual stylings here feel mechanical, drab, and rote. Underland is a soiled place decked in ugly, muted colors and a curious lack of life considering all the business going on everywhere. Despite the whiz-bang visuals, much of the film drags. Parts of this film - Depp's Hatter in particular - are awful to watch and actually painful to the eyes. I did not see it in 3D - I've heard it's even worse - but even in 2D the film felt very flat. Given what Burton has lined up next, this wish will go unrequited, but I will state it anyway: Burton needs to direct something low-budgeted and personal. He has some talent, as evidenced from films like Ed Wood that Burton made back when his films actually revolved around characters living on this planet. The films Burton has pumped out lately all feel (with a modest exception to Big Fish) very detached and lifeless and, even worse, pointless. The great directors are people who combine visual flair with keen storytelling instincts and a desire to relate to an audience. Burton only seems to have one of those three qualities left in his arsenal. Like Alice, that seems to have disappeared down a bottomless computer-generated rabbit hole, never to be seen again.