Ray learns HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE

In 1995, British journalist Toby Young managed to secure a good job at Vanity Fair - you know the publication, the magazine that features 500 full page advertisements before you even get to the table of contents. His five years of snobby, cultural-elite hell with the company led him to write a nasty tell-all entitled HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE. It became an enormous bestseller. Now the film version finds its way to the big screen, with British "it" boy Simon Pegg as the author's alter-ego, Sidney Young. Sidney is particularly nasty, spouting lame jokes at people and seemingly oblivious to his surroundings at all times. By curious circumstances Sidney somehow impresses high society magazine editor Clayton Harding (Jeff Bridges), who offers him a job. As soon as he arrives in New York, he cutely meets Alison Olsen (Kirsten Dunst), who just happens to be his co-worker at the magazine. Of course, Sidney is too busy lusting after the latest hot young Hollywood actress (Megan Fox) to notice Alison's affections. Wanna guess the ending? Having not read the book, I cannot accurately gauge the movie's attempt to adapt it. As a comedy film, however, this movie sucks. The script is garbage, filled with horrendously tired cliches (little dog gets killed accidentally ... hero gets drunk and makes a fool of himself at a party ... guy picks up girl who turns out to be a man) that stun you with their stupidity. The plot, barely sketched out here, makes little attempt to build character or motivation. For instance, we are told what a subversive, ingenious writer Sidney is, but nothing onscreen would give that impression whatsoever. We literally have no idea why Sidney's boss would hire him or keep him around after his "hijinks" in the office. Even worse, the script pretends like it is skewering the Hollywood high life and the vermin that scamper around at its fringes, but nothing sticks here. The jokes are recycled and limp. The "insights" into the fame game are nothing new at all. All of the names in the film have been changed from the book, effectively killing any of the wink-wink insider factor from the book. Whereas the book gave a glimpse into the world of a high-fashion, high-powered magazine operation, the film is mainly only concerned with idiotic pratfalls. The acting is not acceptable on almost any level. Pegg has a certain likeable charm, but here his character is such a grotesque asshole that any of Pegg's goodwill is quickly neutralized. Fox is beautiful, which is basically the extent of her character. Only Bridges shows any kind of spark, although his character here is not much of a variation on the overbearing overlord he played in this summer's IRON MAN. But the worst is Dunst. I cannot believe an "actress" with this kind of range continues to receive major Hollywood offers. She is the least appealing actress in modern film, drenching every frame she occupies with her slouching, sad-eyed mope. Even in scenes of happiness, she acts like she might burst into tears. Her character in this movie is meant to be sarcastic and fun, a smart-assy foil for Pegg's nasty lead. However, in the soggy grip of Dunst, her Alison becomes a whiny, intolerable cunt. I have seen a wider range of emotion and charisma from my used cumrag. Every time I saw her in this movie, I wanted to punch her in the face until those fucking snaggleteeth were pointing at her brain. Absolutely, intolerably awful. So ... yeah ... I hated this terrible movie.

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All you need to know is that I love movies and baseball. I write about both on a temporary medium known as the Internet. Twitter: @rayderousse or @unfilteredlens1 Go St. Louis Cardinals! www.stlcardinalbaseball.com